[He's still mad. That anger isn't going anywhere, not with the words churning through his head, lashing at his heart. Life just happens? Not to him. It's never just happened to him.]
If you think there's this hidden reason behind my behaviour, some great singular event that changed my life, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
[And hey, maybe there was. Maybe befriending Guy, experiencing a relationship, finally getting laid or whatever is really such a transformative experience.
But Asch doesn't think so. Because he remembers it as being more than that, much more. It's the day Guy dragged him outside to fool around in the snow when he was new to this world and hating everything. It's Luke making a place for him in his home, despite knowing that he'd be faced with daily abuse because he is who he is. It's sitting with Tear on a riverbank, talking about growing up with Van. It's Xion laughing at his apparently transparent way of caring for the replicas he used to hate. It's Emil acting like he's terrifying sometimes but coming back time after time. It's Buffy's rambling way of carrying a mostly one-sided conversation as they tend the bar because she's not afraid to treat him like an actual human being. It's Ion patiently enduring his grating behaviour and still calling him a friend. It's Stella's memory, the dagger in his boot, the locket in his desk, the way her hand felt in his. It's Rapunzel, touching him and telling him that he's someone worthy of her love.
It's memories. So many memories.
It's being connected to someone else's mind at all times and realizing too late that you need that connection like air. It's becoming so used to being held at night, every night, that waking up alone is still the most terrifying moment of the day. It's remembering the daily routine of eating breakfast in his house with his loved one and watching his stupid, lazy, crucially important replica-brother-whatever stagger into the kitchen scrubbing at his eyes and asking for some form of caffeine, watching Guy smile and fuss over him and not feeling the old stab of jealous rage because he'd smiled at Asch like that, too, all affection and indulgence and exasperation and care.
It's everything. It's what he had and what he's lost, and it's the second time in his life that that's happened. It's too much to say. Even now, he can't say it.
It is, as Guy said, life. Life happens. And no, not to him- not until he came here.
That's what changed.]
Being here, being trapped in this place- it changes people. Ask anyone. What changed, who I was, what does it matter? Why is it so important to you? Why are you so focused on the past? This is who I am! Stop questioning that and just accept me!
[He hadn't meant to say that last part, but now that it's out, he's not sure whether or not to regret it. It's what he wants, sure. It's what he'd always wanted, ever since he was a child. Accept me. Acknowledge me. Love me for who I am and not who I could be. Let me dictate my own existence. The Score and my legacy and my title don't decide who I am.
no subject
If you think there's this hidden reason behind my behaviour, some great singular event that changed my life, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
[And hey, maybe there was. Maybe befriending Guy, experiencing a relationship, finally getting laid or whatever is really such a transformative experience.
But Asch doesn't think so. Because he remembers it as being more than that, much more. It's the day Guy dragged him outside to fool around in the snow when he was new to this world and hating everything. It's Luke making a place for him in his home, despite knowing that he'd be faced with daily abuse because he is who he is. It's sitting with Tear on a riverbank, talking about growing up with Van. It's Xion laughing at his apparently transparent way of caring for the replicas he used to hate. It's Emil acting like he's terrifying sometimes but coming back time after time. It's Buffy's rambling way of carrying a mostly one-sided conversation as they tend the bar because she's not afraid to treat him like an actual human being. It's Ion patiently enduring his grating behaviour and still calling him a friend. It's Stella's memory, the dagger in his boot, the locket in his desk, the way her hand felt in his. It's Rapunzel, touching him and telling him that he's someone worthy of her love.
It's memories. So many memories.
It's being connected to someone else's mind at all times and realizing too late that you need that connection like air. It's becoming so used to being held at night, every night, that waking up alone is still the most terrifying moment of the day. It's remembering the daily routine of eating breakfast in his house with his loved one and watching his stupid, lazy, crucially important replica-brother-whatever stagger into the kitchen scrubbing at his eyes and asking for some form of caffeine, watching Guy smile and fuss over him and not feeling the old stab of jealous rage because he'd smiled at Asch like that, too, all affection and indulgence and exasperation and care.
It's everything. It's what he had and what he's lost, and it's the second time in his life that that's happened. It's too much to say. Even now, he can't say it.
It is, as Guy said, life. Life happens. And no, not to him- not until he came here.
That's what changed.]
Being here, being trapped in this place- it changes people. Ask anyone. What changed, who I was, what does it matter? Why is it so important to you? Why are you so focused on the past? This is who I am! Stop questioning that and just accept me!
[He hadn't meant to say that last part, but now that it's out, he's not sure whether or not to regret it. It's what he wants, sure. It's what he'd always wanted, ever since he was a child. Accept me. Acknowledge me. Love me for who I am and not who I could be. Let me dictate my own existence. The Score and my legacy and my title don't decide who I am.
Who I am isn't pretty, but I'm still me.]