dissonates | [Action]

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[After a few days of Deep Thought following this little encounter, Asch has finally resolved himself to go back home. He's packed his things, cleaned up, done a few repairs to make the apartment somewhat presentable after he tore it to bits during the Halloween ordeal, though he's sure it'll end up fixing itself anyway. Finally, sometime in the morning, he heads out and makes his way to House 5.

Depending on where the occupants are, he'll be looking for Guy, Luke, and Natalia- starting with their rooms, one by one, and then moving on to the rest of the house and outside if necessary. He's been thinking a lot - probably too much for his own good - and he's tired, but more than that, he's tired of just running away.]

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Neither was I. [It's spoken so matter-of-factly, flatvoiced, as if he's trying to keep himself reined in. It's harder than it's ever been, now. Memories always make things harder.] I thought a lot about what you said, though.

So I see.

[Guy vaults up to sit instead of recline, arms around his drawn-up knees.]

What did you think about it?

...I think a lot of what you said made me angry. [A pause, and then-] But most of the time, what makes me angry is also the truth. I never wanted to acknowledge that.

[He doesn't really want to acknowledge it now, either, but sometimes what's difficult is also necessary. It's the sort of philosophy he's always lived by; why start rejecting it now? All he has to do is accept what's necessary, after all.]

...I can't change who I am. I can change my behaviour, if I try- even if it's hard, even if I don't really want to. It's possible. Maybe it's even necessary. [There's that unhappy word again.] But I will always be a Fabre. Even with a different name, I'm still Luke fon Fabre. I'll always have a Fabre's hair, a Fabre's eyes, stupid Fabre's genes. I can hate it all I want, you can hate it all you want, but that will never change. But I'm not my father, any more than I'm the replica- ...Luke.

[He's trying, he's trying. It's so hard, but he needs to try.

It's necessary.]

This isn't meant to be an ultimatum, or a threat. But you need to know that if we can't fix this, then I won't stay here. I can't. Even if you think I need to be here for my own sake, I can't.

[Guy laughs.

Actually, he laughs a lot more than what's probably necessary; he laughs so hard that he holds his stomach, bending forward and ducking his head, shoulders shaking.]

You-

You- I-I'm not laughing at you- I'm sorry-

[......THAT IS NOT WHAT HE EXPECTED TO HEAR, WHAT THE HELL.]

[Guy calms himself down, swallowing the last of his giggles, reaching up to rub at his mouth with a glove.]

Asch...it's not you. It's not-

It's not that I hate the way you look. You're beautiful, you know?

I know that you aren't your father, similarities or not. And ninety-five percent of the time, the similarities don't even matter. The problem isn't with you; it's with me.

I have to figure out how to undo years and years of association, of putting images to memories that just don't belong together. I'll get it eventually. Until then, if I get angry or upset, I'll leave the house. I'll go to the fighting dome in the woods or find someone to spar with. Or I'll find someone to talk to.

You- I don't ever want you to look different. You're gorgeous, even if your eyebrows crease in the middle.

[....Well that's not embarrassing at all.]

Was that really necessary?

Why? Are you embarrassed?

What? No. [Yes. Who the hell describes a man like that? He's not a girl, dammit.]

[Hey, it's the truth; the Fabre boys are pretty. Pedigree hair and faces.]

Anyway, I don't want you to concern yourself with that. Like I said, it's an issue with me and it's one I'll fix for myself. I'm sure there's more to this than just how I treat you anyway.

[Though he's definitely not looking forward to the process of fixing things.]

[Asch falls silent at that, mulling it over for a while. He knows there's more- there always is. But he's not sure that it's all Guy's responsibility.]

...Why... why is it just me?

...it's always been you.

It isn't your fault. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

[That's not what he wanted to hear. But then, none of this has been anything to look forward to. It's not as if he thought this was going to be easy, or enjoyable in the slightest. Which is pretty much the opposite of how it's been with Guy for a long time now.

...Great.]

...I'll wait for you. I'll try.

[Guy opens his mouth to reassure Asch; to turn it around, to brush off his concerns with cheerful sincerity and make the conversation lighter than it was turning out to be.

But Guy catches sight of the look in Asch's eyes and can't do it. His voice sticks in his throat and he quickly ducks his head, hiding his face.]

Edited 2010-11-10 06:48 (UTC)

[Asch glances sidelong at him, studying him in his silence. He's not sure if it was the right thing to say, and he's not sure if what he's about to say is right either, but he has to try. He can't expect honesty from Guy if he doesn't expect it of himself just as much.]

I don't know if I can give you what you need, or if I'll help or just make it worse. But I want you to know that nothing you say to me - nothing you share of yourself - is going to change the way I see you. So be as angry and hateful and ugly as you have to be. Share it all and don't hold anything back. It's nothing I haven't seen before.

[Guy mumbles into his knees, turning his face away.]

I don't want to do that.

[He tightens; his arms, his legs, pulling into himself to make him smaller. He almost feels like he should be smelling soot and staring at a chimney grate.]

I'm not that kind of person. I don't want to hurt anyone. [Not anymore.]

But you were, weren't you? You've already admitted that. You were going to do terrible things. It's a part of you, part of your past, just as much as my family and Natalia are a part of mine. Did you ever deal with it or just push it down so it wouldn't be out in the open?

[He seriously doubts that.]

[Guy doesn't speak, but his fists clenching around his sleeves should be answer enough.

He remembers. He'd imagine it very often, as young as eleven he'd dream up different ways he could exact his revenge. He'd stand over Asch's bed as he slept, holding a pillow. He'd walk behind Asch on their way back from his lessons, holding onto the hilt of his sword so tightly his knuckles turned white. Picture the light leaving his eyes and Fabre's screams of horror.

He'd even wondered if he should kill the Duchess and the maids too. Just to be fair.

He didn't want to share that with anyone...least of all Asch.]

[There's that silence again, that quiet, undeniably comforting lull in a difficult conversation, It's so easy to fall back on that, to shrug it all off and pretend like it's not important enough to say aloud.

Necessary. It's necessary.]

...Did you mean what you said? About needing me for this?

[Guy rubs his face hurriedly, the movement a little bit manic. He hadn't wanted to do this so soon; he'd been hoping to soften the blow by at least a few weeks of sorting himself out first.]

I meant it. But at least give me a little time to make some leeway before we get into this.

...No. It's okay, I didn't mean...

[Dammit. Dammit, and he's already screwed up. This isn't how he wanted it at all.]

I just... wanted to make sure. I had to be sure.

[Probably more than Guy knows.]

[Guy hesitates, then turns his head to face Asch, resting his cheek on his arm.]

I meant it. I need you.

[Asch falls silent, letting that sink in. He hasn't felt needed, really needed for anything for a long time now. It's what gave him purpose after he lost everything, when Van and his goals were all he really had. If this is true, and this really is something only he can do...

...well. Maybe he doesn't need his life to have meaning like he used to; he has plenty more to live for these days.

But it's nice. It's nice to be needed. He nods quietly to himself, head bowing to press against his knees.]

[Guy's voice drops to a murmur.]

Thank you for coming back home.

...Where else would I go?

[Guy's right; it wasn't the same, being away like that.]

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i love you.

/kira

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