dissonates | [Action]

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[After a few days of Deep Thought following this little encounter, Asch has finally resolved himself to go back home. He's packed his things, cleaned up, done a few repairs to make the apartment somewhat presentable after he tore it to bits during the Halloween ordeal, though he's sure it'll end up fixing itself anyway. Finally, sometime in the morning, he heads out and makes his way to House 5.

Depending on where the occupants are, he'll be looking for Guy, Luke, and Natalia- starting with their rooms, one by one, and then moving on to the rest of the house and outside if necessary. He's been thinking a lot - probably too much for his own good - and he's tired, but more than that, he's tired of just running away.]

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[Asch makes it a little easier for him, gesturing him to come closer. That ought to at least ensure that he hears everything clearly, since it looks like he really can hear now. There's an extra chair at the desk, and the bed is also free; Luke can sit wherever he wants, since it's pretty clear that Asch doesn't care.]

[He'll take the chair; the bed feels a little too personal and all. That, and it's slightly closer, so maybe he can hear better, too. Once he's seated, Luke keeps his hands in his lap as he glances at Asch.]

So... what is it?

[...Okay. Here goes. He can do this.

...

Probably.]

I need you to correct me when I call you replica.

Correct you? But...

[... What? Luke's been so used to the name that he never even thought about correcting Asch. Besides... it's what he is, right?]

You heard me. If I call you replica, correct me. Tell me to call you by your name.

[Luke doesn't want to question it; Asch might just get annoyed and go right back on it. But... he still has to know why.]

O... Okay. But why? What made you decide that?

[Asch hopes Luke doesn't die of shock from this, but it needs to be said-]

...Because you're not just a replica. I should be thinking more about who you are, not what you are.

[... Luke certainly feels like he could die of shock, and it shows. Asch, of all people, thinks he's more than just a replica? This coming from the guy who affirms it every time they meet? Makes Luke know that he's nothing but an inferior copy of someone else every time they talk to each other?

He looks away from Asch to stare down at the desk, looking absolutely conflicted. Asch just told him something that Luke himself doesn't believe. He thinks he's just a replica - knows he's just a replica, and that's another reason why he never bothers to correct Asch.

Luke purses his lips as he turns his head away a little more. What should he do? Honor Asch's request? Tell him he shouldn't have to?

... But this isn't about Luke. This is a tremendous step for Asch, something that Luke never thought he'd do. And if he believes that Luke is more than just a replica, someone who has more right to call him that than anyone, then... Maybe Luke can start to believe it. Maybe. Maybe if he corrects him enough, he can start to embrace the name himself.]

... Then I'll do it. I'll... tell you to call me Luke if you call me a replica.

... Maybe it'll help me, too.

[...And that's it. The third one to get on board with what he's doing- the most important one, considering their relationship. He knows that Luke has inferiority issues, and he also knows where they come from. Everyone who's said it in the past were right; they really aren't that different, and a lot of the time it shows. He's always had difficulty with differentiating between his flaws and his rep- ...and Luke's.

It isn't about who's better anymore. It never should have been.

It's about Asch, and Luke, and who they are. Who they've always been, who they're going to be.

They're not meant to be enemies.]

I can't make any promises. I can't tell you we're going to be friends, or that I'll be nice to you all the time, or that I'll be... whatever the hell you want me to be for you someday. I'm not going to lie and say I'm okay with what you've done, or what you stole from me, even- [...And he stops, because he needs to swallow that lump in his throat, the eternal flare of anger, hate, and resentment just from thinking it-] ...even if it wasn't your fault.

[Luke almost doesn't want Asch to be nice all the time; he'd probably die of shock before he reaches eightee-eight. Luke listens even while his head's turned away, and his fingers grip into his pants when Asch gets to the part about stealing everything from him. If Luke had a list of crimes, which he's sure would be quite long, that right there would be in the top five, and he constantly feels the guilt eating away at him from it as a result.]

If I could apologize for the rest of my life for that, I would. [This line of thought is starting to feel familiar.] If I could-...

[... No. If he could die for his mistakes, he would; he'd do it in a heartbeat, even if he'd be afraid. But... he knows that Tear wouldn't be happy if she heard him say that, nor Guy, nor... Asch, for that matter. So, he shakes his head and skips that before he goes on.]

... But I can't. I can't do all of that. Just like how you can't pretend it's okay that I... did all of that to you. It's never going to be that easy, even if we want it to be.

[Finally, he looks back at Asch - this topic is hitting Luke very hard, and his eyes are showing it most of all.]

So... we just have to do what we can do. Even if it's hard... That just means we should try harder. Nothing's going to get done if we just... leave it alone and hope it solves itself.

[He ducks his head to hide just how much emotion is starting to spill over.]

If you can call me Luke, then... maybe I can too, someday.

[He'd suspected Luke would end up getting emotional over all this; he really is still a stupid replica, and a child. It really is to be expected. What surprises Asch is that it doesn't really bother him. It probably should, and it still might later, but... not now. Not yet.]

There's something you should know. [This part is harder to admit than the rest; something he hadn't even told the Luke from before. He hasn't even told Guy.] I want it back. I want my name back. I tried to claim it for myself before I- [...Died, but he can't tell Luke that.] Before I came here, but in the end I couldn't. It didn't change anything.

Edited 2010-11-10 11:40 (UTC)

[Luke quickly wipes at his face before he looks at Asch again, eyes wide with confusion. Asch wants to call him Luke, but... he wants that name, too? That's... not going to be easy for Asch, isn't it, and probably for a similar reason that Luke finds it difficult to accept his own name.]

You can take it back any time you want. [Even if it isn't now.]

Edited 2010-11-10 11:49 (UTC)

No.

[His answer is immediate, with no hesitation at all. This is something he needs to make very clear to Luke.]

I can't ever have that name again, and you need to understand that. If I'm ever going to really accept you, I need to accept myself, first. I'm Asch, not Luke, and for me there's no going back. I need you to keep that name and make it yours until I can finally give it to you.

[At first, Luke is very confused. Asch just said that he wanted his name, but now he doesn't? Asch is always like this, though, so Luke shouldn't be...]

You can't go forward if you keep looking back.

[He'd said that so long ago, and though it still sounds kind of stupid to him, considering he had nothing to look back on when he said it, it... really is kind of insightful, like Guy said. And... it's okay to look back sometimes, for guidance to the future, but not always.

Luke might not feel like he deserves it, but... this is his name. And it's going to be his name, and he'll make it his own, and it will truly be his once Asch gives it to him. Once Asch accepts him for who he is.

It's when Asch can accept him for Luke and not for a replica and when they accept each other's names that they can both accept their own sense of self.]

... I think I understand now.

Edited 2010-11-10 12:32 (UTC)

[Oh, thank Lorelei. Asch really didn't want to try and figure out a better way to explain it, nor did he want to sit and argue the point with his replica then and there. He knows he'd just get frustrated and chew him out about it, which would ruin the entire point of the conversation. Thank goodness Luke wasn't too thick to let it sink in.

...He should probably work on how he phrases things, though.]

Good.

[And there was one more thing, though this was more of an afterthought than anything else.]

Hey. Have you felt weak at all lately? Or had trouble with your fonons?

[Sudden subject change? All right then. Luke wipes away the last remnants of his emotions away with the inside of his wrist, then thinks back. Before he got kidnapped, he felt fine, and his fonons were easy to manipulate. But...]

Ever since I got back, I have. I get tired easily, and I've had trouble controlling my fonons.

[He pauses and purses his lips - now that he's away from that place and he's almost back to normal, it's kind of hard to look back on it.]

While I was... there, it felt like my fonons were completely out of control. They kept crashing together and moving everywhere, and even when I tried to stop it, I just... couldn't get a hold of them. It was only when you contacted me and helped me that I was able to complete the link with you.

It's probably why I was so tired when I got back to my body. I only stayed awake for about half an hour.

Edited 2010-11-10 14:53 (UTC)

[So only after? Asch's brows furrow, lost in thought for a long moment. Is it because of the different time periods? Or maybe because he'd been dying before he came here? Luke's dissonance hadn't started to happen until after the Tower of Rem, as far as he knows. This Luke is from well before that. So what does that mean for the two of them now...?

After he considers it, he jots down a little note in his book and shuts it, just in case Luke gets nosey.]

Tell me if anything changes. If that kind of thing happens again without any outside interference, I need to know.

[Too bad Luke got his nosiness from you, and he even leans over a little to see if he can read what he's writing before it's closed on him. Gdit, Asch. Luke makes a little face and sits up straight again, but then the look fades to mild curiosity once Asch speaks.]

Oh... Okay. I'll let you know.

... What about yours? Are they okay?

...The same as they were in Auldrant. [Which is more or less the truth. If anything, he's healthier here, but he'd rather be pessimistic (realistic, he'd rather call it) until proven wrong. If he really does start getting sick again, no one can accuse him of lying outright.] Don't start getting worried about this- for you, or me. It's just a precaution.

[Luke's okay, and Asch just said that he's okay, so everything should be fine, right?

That is, Luke thinks so until Asch tells him not to worry. Why would Luke worry if everything should be fine? The word of caution immediately makes him suspicious, but he knows Asch isn't going to say anything to him about it. He'll just have to do what he kind of fails at without the aid of other people, and no way is he raising his suspicions to other people - snoop.]

... All right.

[He stands slowly, blinks, then looks over at him again.]

Asch?

[Asch had assumed the conversation was over, so that surprises him a little, catching him slightly off guard.]

What?

I'm glad we had this talk.

[He really is. Luke feels like this is a gigantic step for the both of them. He smiles and holds out his hand.]

You wanna eat something? I think there're some leftovers I can heat up... And there's no way I can ruin that.

[....Rrrm. Well that wasn't embarrassing at all, nope.]

Don't go out of your way to do anything.

I'm not!

[And with that, Luke takes his leave. Although he'll probably be back to hand over a plate of heated up leftover chicken and corn and keep one for himself, since those are the only things he himself wanted to eat.

And he'll be smiling all the while. It's been way too long since Luke's felt this happy.]

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