dissonates | Appointments Post

"That's obvious. You wouldn't sound so miserable about it if you actually wanted to leave."

[Despite the words, Asch's voice isn't particularly snippy about it; instead he just sounds tired. Like the very idea of thinking about whether or not to go home is exhausting.

Inwardly he knows that Luke is probably thinking about what he'd also considered, though to a different extent than Luke himself: if either of them go back, they'll lose... well, this. Whatever this is, this strange but familiar comfort that they've grown to find in one another's company. This isn't a connection one can just replicate (ha, isn't that a sad irony) on a whim. It's something that only works between the two of them.

If Luke goes home, he'll lose this, and Asch will go back to keeping him at arms length, bare minimum. Hating and envying and wanting what he has.

If Asch goes home, he'll die and lose everything, and Luke will never know what they had.

That's what sacrifice really means. To stop Van- to save the world- the lives of two people mean nothing.

He tries to embrace that sentiment, let the emotion of it carry through the link in an attempt to reassure his replica - for whatever it's worth - but he's not sure if it's particularly successful. He just feels more indecisive than before.]

[The sentiment does carry through: that the lives of the many outweigh the lives of the few. Luke knew that. He knew it when he took up the sword after Akzeriuth, knowing that people will hate him for what he's doing, but also that he'd have to go through them if it meant saving everyone else...

It's just like this again. The needs of the many outweigh the few. Even if those few are precious, so very, very important, as close as lover, as close as a brother, as close as best friends.

That's what sacrifice is.

But...

It's so unfair. Why does it have to be us? Why does the fate of the world and the hate of the many rest on our shoulders...?

"You deserve it", says a voice, but Asch... the both of them...

He lets out a shuddering sigh, and he covers his face with one hand, dragging it down just a little to get a grip on himself. It's as if... for once, Luke is thinking of himself. There is a silver lining on his cloud, and there's one on Asch's too, even if his original can't see it. And to give it up...

Dammit.]

"Miserable? You make me sound like a stupid kid."

"No, you're a stupid replica, remember?"

[There's no venom attached to the comment, and instead Asch just sounds vaguely amused. He's always had the most twisted sense of humour at the worst of times, so he sees no reason to change his habits now.]

"Look, there's nothing childish about being unhappy with your own situation. People are always unhappy for one reason or another. What separates adults from children is what you do regardless of how you feel."

[He's had almost a lifetime of putting the needs of the world above his own - he understands the indecision that comes hand in hand with giving up what you want. Or, alternatively, losing it without a choice and not being allowed to take it back.]

[It's been a day now since Ion learned the truth about his condition. Somehow, knowing the truth now about what was happening to him and what was going to happen... his body felt even heavier than it had before. Would he just continue to get worse until he died? When would it happen? And what would they take when he came back? He would... come back... right?]

[He was distracted, and the last thing he wanted to do was sit in bed and wait to get worse. As long as he was still moving -- still walking -- he could still imagine that maybe things could get better. Maybe the miasma would hit a limit. The malnosso couldn't have just kidnapped him and done this for the sake of killing him, right? But then, is that so different from what happened to Luke...?]

[Right now, he's just making his way across the plaza from the library, albeit very slowly. He really should have opted for crutches, but his arms were just too tired to support his weight like that. And so, all he has is a cane to lean on, taking tiny, shuffling steps. But after walking all the way there and now heading back with a few books in tow, his body is just about ready to call it quits for the day. Within an instant, he feels himself grow dizzy, causing his books to slip out from under his arm as he tumbles down to his knees, his cane knocked a few feet away from him.]

[Today was not his day.]

[Asch is en route to the plaza for a quick bite to eat before his shift at Good Spirits, and he's debating whether to risk the bakery (and bumping into Rapunzel) or go back to the staple Seventh Heaven. Such is the life of heavy decision making in Luceti.

He's so lost in thought that he damn near trips over the cane, and his eyes are immediately drawn to the heap of fallen replica on the ground. Much as he'd have loved to ignore Ion basically forever after what happened between them at the hot springs, that would be unnecessarily cruel. So... ugh. He crouches down, brows furrowed.]

Fon Master? What happened?

...I fell.

[It's very much a non-answer, since he's basically just stating the obvious. Though it's not until he looks up that he's entirely sure who he's talking to. Not that Luke ever calls him "Fon Master", but rather, he's just... really out of it. Which is probably why he's not completely surprised to see Asch talking to him after what happened at the hot springs.]

Could you help me up? I don't think I'll be able to stand up on my own.

[Wow, Ion, that's so useful. Asch scowls, but offers a hand out anyway, intent on helping Ion stand once he takes it. He still looks shaky, but hey, he's not going to offer help that isn't requested.]

Is that your cane?

[What the hell happened?]

[Well, he did ask what happened rather than what's wrong with you, so he was just answering the question!]

Yes, it is. I... can't walk without one anymore.

[With Asch's help, he manages to stand, but he doesn't let go of his hand just yet. He's still unsteady on his feet, and now that he's upright again, he's already starting to feel a little dizzy...]

[So dizzy, in fact, that just the act of shifting one leg just enough to take a step is enough to make him stagger, forcing him to quickly reach out for the closest thing to keep from falling again -- namely, Asch's arm, which he's kind of just clinging to.]

[Good grief, he wasn't kidding. Asch lets him hold on for a moment, watching him waver that way, then scowls and grips Ion's arm himself, attempting to steady him.]

You can't walk at all- not in this state.

...I guess not. [He sounds... defeated. He can't even argue against it, after all.]

I must have worn myself out too much to walk down here. I didn't expect it... to get this much worse this quickly.

[By the sound of that, whatever's happening here is no surprise to Ion. Asch watches him for a bit longer before scoffing and ducking down in front of him, giving his arm a light tug from behind his back.]

Come on, get on my back. I'll take you home.

[Any other day, Ion may have insisted otherwise, with an excuse that he could always wait until he feels well enough to go on his own. Or at least say something to the effect that Asch didn't need to go to so much trouble...]

[But today, all he does is quietly accept the offer, giving a soft confirmation before doing as instructed.]

...thank you, Asch.

[Asch grunts quietly in response at first, merely carrying Ion down the road without giving it much thought or voice. After a few moments, though, he finally speaks up for real.]

What's wrong with your body?

[It's phrased very intentionally; this is familiar to him, but at the same time it's different enough that he needs a real answer.]

[In the day since he received confirmation of the diagnosis, Ion hadn't told anyone. He didn't think he could, really... it would be like accepting that it was going to happen. That he was going to die.]

[At first, he doesn't answer, almost as though he hadn't even heard the question in the first place. But when he does, his voice is soft and methodical -- you'd think he was just talking about the weather.]

...the malnosso contaminated the fonons in my body with miasma. And... even though there's no miasma in the village, I've been getting worse since it happened.

[Asch falls into yet another long silence, though his step doesn't falter or so much as pause; he doesn't seem surprised by this, just... thoughtful.

Miasma contamination. Like Van, like Tear.

That's a death sentence.]

Who knows about this?

I only had it confirmed by the doctors at the clinic yesterday. I haven't told anyone else.

[Though Tear at the very least has an idea of what it is, his symptoms appeared so differently from hers that there was still some hope that it was something else. At least if it was something else, there was a chance for a cure. But this...]

[That actually does surprise Asch a little; he'd expected Ion to have told his housemates - they're the ones he calls family these days, after all - but he can understand the silence, as well. He'd have done the same, though maybe for different reasons than the Fon Master. He probably wants to protect them or something equally selfless.

He should probably encourage this- keeping silent is Ion's right, and it's no one else's business.

....]

...You should. They'll find out sooner or later, especially if you're at the point where you're collapsing.

I know I should.

[The answer comes almost immediately. As much as he wants to believe hiding the truth would allow them some peace of mind for awhile longer, he knows it would only make them worry more to see him getting worse and not know why. How would they be able to prepare for it? Rather than just wake up one day and notice his bed is empty...]

...I just don't know if I can. Not... yet, at least.

...Hm.

[It's not a particularly judgmental noise, merely an acknowledgement of Ion's words. He can hardly point fingers when he still hasn't told anyone about the state of his own body, and he has no idea how he'll deal with his condition when it starts to fully degrade again. Dist had given him two years, and that was quite a while ago.

With Ion, there's no telling how long he has, but it might not be very long if he's already starting to collapse.]

Can you get medicine for it? If I remember right, Tear was taking something to prolong her life.

There's a medication I can take, yes... but whatever it is they did to me is causing the level of miasma in my body to increase over time. As long as that continues, the medication won't be able to keep up.

[You'd think the Malnosso just wanted him to die with the way they designed this.]

[Why is he not surprised by the maliciousness of this?

Oh, right, because it's just par for the course in Luceti. Ugh.]

Did they tell you how long you have?

...I didn't ask. I didn't want to know.

[The hand holding onto Asch's shoulder tightens its grip.]

They told me they would look into potential treatments to try and find a cure, but... if it's already gotten this bad this quickly, I'm not sure I'll have the time to wait for one.

...Probably not.

[Anyone else might try to encourage him, give him some kind of hope for the future. Tell him not to give up. Or at least try to be nice about it.

Asch... can't do that. And by his words and the sound of Ion's voice, he doubts such sentiment would even be believed, anyway.

There's no point in false hope. All he can do is understand what it means to live with a death sentence.]

[At first, there's no response from Luke. His hand remains on his face for a moment, then moves to his arm, where he grips the sleeve, and bites his lip, still keeping his eyes shut.

He doesn't want to give in to that burning feeling, that one behind his throat and eyes that he knows so well. He has no shame in crying, but he doesn't want to do so in front of Asch. His original knows the unfairness of situations like this more than anyone, and Luke feels like crying over it would just make him seem like a baby as a result.

So he holds it in as much as he can, frowning as if to hide it, and is just grateful that they're not using their voices.]

"But I don't know what to do. I'm letting people down no matter what I decide..."

[There's a small pause, but he voices his thoughts again before Asch can do so for him.]

"You know, when I first came here, before I learned that Auldrant wasn't as safe as I thought, I... I told myself I'd go back as soon as I got the chance. I promised myself, even. I believed in that with everything I had."

"...But the situation's changed."

[it's so easy to say that, when you first arrive- that you'll go back as soon as possible, that you'll jump at the chance to return home. He'd thought much the same way, carried away by his own outrage, his frustration, that burning need to go back and finish things. Especially with how close he'd been, both to death and to confronting Van. Just days away from ending everything, only to have it prolonged here for years, not knowing how or when his life will come to an end.

It really is a wonder that he's lasted this long.]

"The longer you stay here, the more of a home it becomes. You're established. You know people. Eventually the bond you share with the people here can be stronger than the one you have with your own world. That's what makes this place so dangerous."

[He's quiet for a moment, thoughtful and pensive, then adds more softly,]

"Maybe that's the real reason for why we've been trapped here for so long."

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