dissonates | [Action / Backdated to the 19th]

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[Action / Backdated to the 19th]

[The fonic link is a rather convenient tool, that much is for sure; with it, Asch can tell where Luke is in case he needs to avoid his replica- and, alternatively, whoever he's with. And in this case, it's Guy. Ever since Guy's arrival earlier this month, Asch has been mysteriously absent from the apartment he'd shared with Luke, and tonight, with Luke and Guy both out and about for the evening, he's come to a decision.

He's leaving- for good. Once the apartment is empty, he'll venture there himself, clear out his room, and leave it vacant for them to find later on. Or not find. Maybe they won't notice. Maybe they won't care.

Guy won't. He's fairly certain of that. And that- ...it doesn't bother him. He won't let it bother him.

Tsuae is displeased upon his return, of course, and Star has the nerve to try and set him on fire, but his mind is made up. Within a few hours he's packed up and ready to go. It's actually kind of sad, how few possessions he's managed to acquire over the last few years in Luceti. It'll probably only take a few trips to get it to his new place.

...Once he figures where that new place is.

People can run into him while he's in the process of moving if they so desire, though there are a couple people that, in particular, he needs to be speaking with. The area is mainly community building 2, by the way.]

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[Luke's voice doesn't exactly make it through - he's stubborn, sure, but stubbornness doesn't always make a difference, and the link doesn't open that way for Luke yet. Still, there's a prodding at the back of his mind that Asch can't ignore forever, so at some point he finally relents and finds a quiet space to focus on it properly, opening the link for his replica.]

"What do you want, Luke?"

[His tone isn't as annoyed as the words might seem- he's even using Luke's name. Still, it's not a very welcoming voice.]

[Luke halts mid-strike, both because of the use of his name and the extra pain that caused. He lifts both hands to his head and digs his fingertips in, and sure enough, the glow is a little brighter. He can't move unless he forced himself at this point, so he just stands and focuses for now.]

"Where are you?! Why did you...?"

[He can get why. Guy. Putting himself in Asch's shoes, if Xion left, came back, then not only didn't remember the relationship they had but was also cold to him, he'd want to leave, too. But...

Why is he leaving him? He... He can't do this, he...!]

"...Why do you think?"

[Seriously, Luke, this isn't rocket science. Guy moves in, Guy doesn't remember anything, apartment is suddenly REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. How the hell was he supposed to stay there? With the two of them being all friendly and chummy and Guy hovering protectively over the replica in that judgmental manner of his, after everything they'd gone through together?

It isn't fair. It isn't fair to once again have to watch Luke get everything that Asch wanted. He can't do it.]

"I... I'll talk to Guy, okay?! I'll make him stop being so cold to you, just...

Please don't leave!"

[It was funny. It wasn't that long ago that Luke toyed with the idea of leaving himself, to find a place for him and Xion to live in. And now Asch is leaving, and he can't bear the thought of him doing so.]

"I can't stay."

[It's spoken with certainty, with a level of firmness that demands no arguing, though he knows Luke will probably keep trying. He's made up his mind, though. He won't be pushed.]

"You know I can't. Things have changed, and it won't ever be the same."

[Not for him, not for them. Even if he could get Guy to change his behaviour - which Asch knows he can't, you can't just force someone to appreciate your presence when you loathe them so - that wouldn't change years worth of memories. Guy isn't a stranger to Asch anymore, but he may as well be a strange to this Guy. It would be too strange, to strained. And it would just make things worse.

He knows they can't go back. He doesn't even want them to. Too much has changed.

But it still hurts, and he can't live like that. Every glance in his direction, every sharp word, every indication of favouritism of Luke over himself would be like a dagger in his chest. It's already begun, and he can't stop some of that pain from seeping into the link.

Why should he put himself through that sort of misery every day? Why would Luke want it?]

[... Of course he can't. It would be painful for Asch, painful for Guy, and painful for him. It's stupid, selfish and childish to keep pushing for Asch to stay, for Guy to be nicer to Asch and be more considerate. He knows that, he knows that...

So he doesn't say anything in the link, because he knows all he'll do is keep being a stupid child. But what he does do is, like that time long ago, push past whatever pain is in his head and move again. Running, like a damned lit up torch with a hand clenched in his hair, but he doesn't care what anyone would think if he saw him. He just follows the mark where Asch is, where the link tells him where he is, even if the location isn't exact. Even if it's more like a feeling.

He doesn't know where Asch is going to live, doesn't know who he'll be with... he didn't get to say good bye.

He has to find him. If he can't - He will not convince him to stay, but he... has to see him off. Has to know that he's... not really leaving. His whole body feels hot thanks to him pushing himself through this, yet the necklace around his neck remains cool against his collarbones. And he's relying on that right now.]

[When Luke goes silent, Asch at first assumes that that's the end of it, and he starts to close off the link, ignoring the feeling of dissatisfaction. It's not like he expected Luke to accept his decision easily, after all, though he hadn't expected Luke to give up so easily.

Maybe he doesn't really...

...but then he's moving, and it startles Asch enough to make him keep the link open, if only to let him watch where Luke is running off to. Is his replica... trying to track him? The very idea is absurd. Ridiculous.

...except he's... sort of going in the right direction. Asch is momentarily stunned, eyes widening, and he pushes away from the building he'd been leaning against to take a few steps, almost unwillingly, towards the direction Luke is in.

It's not possible, is it? He can't- he's just guessing- he's going somewhere else-

...right...?

Even so... he's walking. Hesitantly, cursing himself under his breath, he's walking.]

[It hurts to run like this. It feels like someone's dug a knife into his head and keeps twisting it - every part of him is telling him to sit down or, at the very least, slow down. But he won't, he won't, not as long as Asch is there, not as long as Luke can get to him. He has this awful feeling that if he doesn't, then he won't ever see him again.

So he heads straight for where the link tells him where Asch is. The more steps he takes, the stronger the signal gets. Though he can barely see anything, very nearly ran into more than a few walls in his trek, he knows he's close. And then the presence is in front of him, and yet he doesn't stop until he's got his arms around it and almost takes it off of its feet with the force of it and buries his face in it.

... There. The pain lessens a little now that he's stopped, but only a little, and he lets out a small sound thanks to that. God, that hurt. This hurts. He's practically clinging and he doesn't want to let go.

Please don't leave...]

[...idiot. He's an idiot. A paranoid, frightened idiot. And as Luke slams into him, as Asch feels those arms around him, the way they cling, the way his replica's face is buried, the sheer desperation flowing into the link, so forceful that Asch finally releases it, lets it settle into the back of his mind so that it's no longer so painful... as all of this happens, Asch finally realizes how much he's allowed Luke to come to depend on him. He realizes just how far they've gone, how deep into this hole they've fallen with one another.

He can't allow this to continue. He can't- it's not- it isn't healthy. What would Luke have done if he'd been sent back to their world for good? Would it have broken him entirely? This... isn't right.

Asch's hand lifts, hesitantly, shaking a little bit. It hovers over Luke's back, but doesn't touch, reluctant to encourage this any further.

They can't... depend on each other like this...

Don't leave. He knows that's what Luke is trying to say. And it hurts, god does it ever hurt, so much that it actually surprises Asch, feeling his chest ache and burn. Don't leave.

...but... I have to.]

[Why?

why why why why why no stop it

It's not

It's not like he'd never see Asch again. It's not like he can't keep up with him. It's not like... they aren't friends anymore...

What if he hates me again what if everything we did was for nothing what if stop it.

His arms shake a little, and he clenches his hands into Asch's shirt. His throat hurts. There's a lump there he can barely even swallow past and it hurts and it's stupid and he's being stupid. He does, at least, lower his head enough so that instead of his face his forehead presses against his shoulder, but...

But... he's lived with Asch ever since he arrived in Luceti. Just thinking of him leaving now is...]

Edited 2012-03-21 09:31 (UTC)

[Another pause, another hesitation, and- his hand rests against Luke's back. An indulgence. A small one, but... even so.

It's all he can do. Because he is leaving, because he won't be coming back. Because last week was the last time they would live under the same roof.

Because sooner or later he'll have to tell Luke where he will be living from now on, and that's going to change things even more.

Maybe it's an indulgence for himself, too. Maybe they'll be enemies again.

Maybe this'll be unforgivable.

Don't hate me for the choices I've made.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

But he's not- not completely. Because this - this pain, this loss, this suffering, the sight of his replica in such lonely agony - hurts less than the thought of sharing a home with Guy.

Don't hate me. Don't hate me.]

[I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed.

I'm sorry.

The feeling of the hand on his back just makes his hands clench harder, and his eyes to squeeze shut as he fights against his emotions for a moment. Because this... this reminds him of when they promised not to leave each other. And here they are.

What will happen now?

What will Asch do? Where is he going to go?

What will he do?

Don't hate me. Don't hate me.

Because that is one thing he fears, so so much. That one day Asch will go back to pointing a sword at his throat and calling him worthless, a reject, a dreck, and for those words to have that same biting tone as before. Not the one he's used to now, the one where he knows it's just a word, just something they're both used to. He's not sure if he could handle that, to be truly enemies again.

Don't hate me. Don't leave like this.]

[It's a long, quiet moment that passes between them, but Asch finally speaks up. He doesn't let go, or push Luke awake, or scold him or get angry. Even though a part of him wants to. A part of him wants to rage at him or hate him or yell. Because Luke's the one who did this. Luke's the one who brought Guy to their home, knowing what he knows, knowing their history, knowing what it would do to him. He did this. Asch should hate him for driving him out like this.

But he doesn't. He can't. Maybe he's not capable of that sort of hate anymore.

...no... that's not it, either.

He just doesn't hate Luke.

It's... a refreshing realization, so much that Asch makes a faint, choking noise in his throat that might almost pass for a chuckle. Pathetic, that it took this long, that it took this mess they've created for themselves here. To admit such a little thing. To let go of a hatred he's clung to for so many years. To feel that tension, that anger, drain out of him, like an old infection finally being purged. To feel it there and just... let it go.

And laugh, quietly, chokingly, because it hurts to do even that. And to speak, breaking the silence at last.]

This doesn't change anything.

[Luke felt like there was a choking hold on his throat, and yet that was the thing that kept him safe over a pit where he didn't know what was at the bottom. He knew this was his fault, he knew he ought to be dropped even though he didn't want it, he knew what awaited him. It was awful. It seemed like every damn thing that happened was his fault.

But then Asch says those words, and instead of falling, he's pulled back to the edge instead, and slowly that hold on his neck is loosening. It makes him open his eyes - a couple of tears slip out, dammit, and for him to freeze up a little. This... what?]

It doesn't?

[His own voice sounds choked, too, because talking hurts right now. He presses his lips together and shuts his eyes again - stupid.

... But somehow that crushing pain in his chest is... lessening, little by little. With what Asch said, with some... unnameable realization starting to come to him. He just has to grasp it, and maybe... maybe he'll - they'll be okay.]

...Idiot. You're so busy clinging like a child, you aren't even looking.

[And that's when Asch pushes him back at last- it's not a rough or violent push, or anything like that, but definitely a meaningful one, forceful enough to even pry loose Luke's deathgrip. Enough to make Luke see more than the black of Asch's robe or the blur of his own tears.

Enough to show, if Luke has the sense to look, that there's still a silver pendant hanging from Asch's neck.

He really is such an idiot, isn't he...? It's not as if Asch wants to leave. Circumstances have forced his hand.

It's that simple. Painful, yes, but ultimately very simple.]

[It's a bit of a shock when Asch pushes him away - it's different than the other times it happened. Not too forceful, but enough to get his attention. His arms are still raised up a little, and he wants to duck his head so that Asch won't have to see those tear tracks, those bright eyes. But he doesn't, because he feels like Asch pushed him away for a reason. So he stares at Asch, and then something catches his eye -

... And he looks a little dumbfounded. Open mouthed and wide eyed, arms still hanging uselessly in the air.

He's still wearing it after all. It's actually there in the open, too, not hidden behind a collar like it had been for a while. Just as real and there as his is, silver against gold.

Finally, he thinks to shut his mouth and lower his arms and head. It's still painful, terrifying, depressing and lonely. But that desperation is ebbing away, and... so is some of that fear, really. It's a different sort of fear, not that stinging one from earlier. This one is just... from uncertainty.]

... I really am an idiot, aren't I? [And he lifts up a hand to wipe at his face. He sure looks like one, too.]

Yeah, you are. House Fabre has some stupid genes. [Not in this case, though, not for him- and he firmly believes that. It was right to leave. Maybe not right to leave secretly - look where it got him, after all - but even so, there's no way he could have worked out a way to remain living there. And at least Luke seems to understand that now. And maybe a few things will change- it's inevitable, after all, what with the shift in living arrangements, but... Luke'll be alright.

If there's one good thing about Guy showing up, it's that this idiot will still have someone to look after him, with Asch gone. And with his body falling apart... maybe someone who'd be more sympathetic to his plight is better to have around the place.

It's also a convenient way to hide the state of his own body's deterioration. Two birds with one stone.]

Mm.

[Yeah, it does. Asch is stupid, too, for leaving them - him like this. For not talking it out before. At least, if Luke left, he'd have talked to Asch first. But there's no point in thinking about that now.

He shuts his eyes and brings his hand up to grip Asch's forearm. Yes, this was for the better. But he knows that Asch shouldn't be alone. He knows it as well as Asch does, and if he's already moving...]

Who're you staying with?

[He keeps his eyes shut. Maybe a year ago, he genuinely wouldn't know. But now that he's been with Asch all this time... There's this feeling lingering over him. The way Asch was holding him in return, that desperation in the link (which, thankfully, has lessened enough so that Luke doesn't look like a lantern anymore).

He won't want to hear the answer. He knows that much.]

[Asch's gaze drifts briefly to where Luke's hand holds him, lifting a single crimson brow.]

Why would you assume I'm staying with anyone?

[It's a sensible question, really; Asch has been a loner by nature for a long time, and it wouldn't be so jarring a concept to suggest he live on his own for a while. He'd managed it before. Even if it's been... a long time.

It's a pointless stalling tactic, though, and he has a feeling Luke already suspects something else is going on, so he shrugs off his reluctance and forges ahead.]

Van made an offer I couldn't refuse.

["Why should you be alone?"

...Yeah, it was enough.]

[Luke knew he wouldn't want to hear the answer.

It doesn't stop that hand from suddenly gripping into Asch's arm and for his eyes to just squeeze shut instead of that calm look from before, and that crushing fear to sweep over him again. He tries to push it off, but -

Van hates him. Van thinks he's trash. Less than that, Van thinks he's nothing. An it. Van ruined both of their lives and ripped it to shreds, and Asch is -

How can Asch say that this won't change anything between them if he's staying with him?!

Luke's eyes snap open as he looks up at Asch.]

Van?! Why?!

I told you, he offered. [Again, a simple answer to a complicated problem. Though there's more to it than that - at least, that's what Asch is going to tell himself from now on - so the replica may as well know that part, too.] Look, Van is too much of a wild card to just let him run loose without someone keeping an eye on him. And he's even more dangerous now that he has Sync and Arietta here with him. His invitation is a convenient excuse for me to watch what he does.

You don't have to live with him to watch him! You could stay with Ginji and Noelle; they like you way more than just... just because you're useful!

[Because that's mostly the reason why Van keeps people close to him. It's why Van was so kind to him, why he still kept Asch at his side, why he brought Sync into the God Generals. Luke tore himself away from that - slowly and quietly, but he managed. Even if Van still has a bit of influence over him, it's not nearly as much as before.

He can't understand how Asch can know that, how Asch has seen firsthand just how subtle and terrifying Van's manipulation can be, how his whole childhood has been destroyed, and still take up his offer.]

... Is this really just about watching him?

[At the same time, he knows the thrill of being by his teacher's side again. He knows that's the only reason why there's a small pang of jealousy in his chest, one that's quickly brushed away just by a flash of Akzeriuth in his head. And he knows that, in a way, Van's hold on Asch is even stronger than the one he has on Luke.]

[Asch doesn't respond right away - not that he doesn't want to, but more like he can't. His true motivations for opting to live with Van, someone neither of them could trust, over Luke and Guy (whose level of trust is, at this point, still rather dubious at best), are difficult to describe.

Yes, he wants to watch Van. He wants to see what the man does, how his plans have changed, if he truly does want to alter his plans for the replication and destruction of their world. And while the relocation plan isn't the best solution either - there's no chance that everyone will agree to move to a new planet, after all, or even that Van would remember this place upon his return to Auldrant - even so...

...and chance to be with Van again, to stand at his side, to rely on him, to learn from him, is...

...Luke couldn't possibly understand. He had more than Van in his life. Asch had nothing.]

What else would it be about?

[He's more than useful. Surely... surely he's more than useful.]

You really have to ask that?

[Though he can't understand, he knows - they had talked about as much at the New Year's party. The God Generals were co-workers and nothing more, and Van... Van was his teacher, the only presence in Asch's life that he could rely on.

Luke had more than that and he still finds himself wishing things could be better between him and Van.

Thankfully, he isn't yelling about this. He doesn't hate him for this decision, he could never hate Asch. He feels... afraid, a little betrayed, a little abandoned. Mostly afraid, because he's experience Van's manipulation and how deep he's willing to stab someone in the back, all with a twisted smile.]

I'm not a child, and I'm not the same as I used to be, either. I'm not so desperate for his attention that I'll follow his plans blindly.

[Unlike some people, which of course he doesn't say. It's not like either of them have a particularly good track record with Van, and maybe Luke is choosing the wiser course of action by cutting Van out of his life, but Asch is certain that this time, he can handle it.

And... it's what he wants. For more reason than what is apparently obvious; with Guy here, and being forced out of his own home, Van is a distraction, a focal point, a goal. Determining how he's changed, what sort of danger he could pose, whether or not the others are safe... someone has to do it. And he's the most suited for it now.]

It's not as if I have any alternative.

[Live with Ginji and Noelle? That's laughable. Ginji, maybe, would be acceptable, but Noelle is their pilot, not his, and he couldn't live with a stranger.]

[Action / Backdated to the 19th]

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[action!!] Sup guys. /threadjacking ahoy

[action!!] hey sup

[action!!] JERK

[action!!] YEAH, JERK

[action!!] then three weeks later nik made a decision

[action!!] /SOB now that Guy finally decided what the fuck he was going to do (thanks Guy)