dissonates | [Written...? / Action, May 20th and beyond]

Entry tags:

[Written...? / Action, May 20th and beyond]

[It starts with a hum.

It's quiet, barely perceptible, like a fruit fry buzzing away in someone's ear. Across the village, it starts flickering to life in the mind of one Luke fon Fabre, miles away, awake and unaware and waiting for it.

The hum becomes a whisper. Wordless noise. An echo of something that used to be alive and loud and binding. Intrusive, almost, and yet not- because something missed, needed, eagerly and anxiously awaited is rarely unwanted.

The whisper becomes words, messy and jumbled and confused, a thought process born of desperation, fear, pain, loneliness. The words of the dead, or the dying, or the living. Of all three at once.

I'm here.

imhereimhereimherereplicaimherewhereareyou

help me

Alive. Alive.

And calling for him.]

[It's much later - after he's found, after he's awake and aware of his new situation - that Asch finally touches the journal. He toys with the controls, flips through the pages quietly, listening to everything that's open to hear. It feels... startlingly normal. Just your average day in Luceti. Life does go on without you- but then, he knew that long ago. This is nothing new.

...Well, almost nothing. It's hard to do much of anything when you can't see the world you're used to seeing around you. Not for the first little while, anyway. By touch and trial-and-error he finds the camera eventually, and he scribbles out a bit of nonsense in what he thinks is the entry area that almost looks like words, he sends out a few misfired comments to complete strangers, and in the end he thinks the entire journal system isn't nearly user-friendly enough. Eventually he gives up and sets it aside, leaving it open. Just. Listens.

It's not much. But for the moment, it'll do.]

((ooc: okay so here's the deal- Asch is back from the dead and blind. He'll be in the clinic for a while while he gets used to it, so feel free to use this post as a catch-all in case people want to visit/stumble upon him for the entire week. His scribble entry is also sort-of posted with a slightly-obscured picture, so if you'd rather use the voice function to bug him, feel free |D Word will probably get around that he's back one way or another.

Luke may or may not be with him depending on the time of visit; more often than not, he will be ~~attached at the hip~~ keeping an eye on Asch and helping him to see. He might also be asleep or taking a break. Feel free to specify; if he is there, he probably won't speak much (to save Kukki's inbox and to simplify things), so it's just a matter of whether or not your character will be seen.))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Asch starts at the sudden grasp around his hand, and his fingers tense, going still for a moment, then finally curl around Luke's, holding on perhaps a little too tightly to be comfortable. The contact is... reassuring. Not that he'll say as much. There's a certain degree of stress quietly draining out of the link, though, so Luke probably notices anyway. His shoulders droop, he exhales shakily, and after a long pause - after Luke speaks, after he says what Asch knew he was going to say anyway - he lifts his head, his expression torn between determination and resignation.

He honestly doesn't know what he should be feeling right now. But whatever it is, he knows that he should be burying it, keeping it quiet. It's all he knows to do.]

...Fine. I thought so. It's not- [He stops, lowering his head again, slowly loosening his vice grip on Luke's fingers. His arm goes slack, moving almost as if to pull away. Don't be weak, don't be weak, don't be weak.] ...I can't see.

[He doesn't need to say it; he knows, and Luke knows. But he needs to hear it, he needs to say it. First he'll accept it.

Then he'll figure out how to deal with it.]

[Though Asch's arm slacks, Luke doesn't let go. Half because he doesn't want to, half because he wants Asch to have some contact. If the only way Asch can know he's there, if not through the link, then it'll be touch. His own grip does loosen, though. The option is there for Asch to pull away, if he wants to. Luke won't make the same mistake to trap him in place when he needs to leave.

He leans to the side and a little closer to get a better look at Asch's face, to see his expression, his eyes. Even with his head low, Luke can see it, and it almost makes him want to reach out and touch his cheek again. Almost. Instead, he just tightens his grip on his hand.

I'm here.]

Yeah... I know. I know you can't.

[Luke knows and Asch knows. But he'll confirm it, to let that sink in for his original... and maybe himself, too. The both of them know it, acknowledge it. Now, it's time to figure out what to do about it.]

[It's tempting to pull away, to withdraw and find some little corner to hide away in seclusion for the next four months, wait it out. Until he can get this little setback removed, continue on with... whatever life he'd been leading. Pathetic as it was.

Tempting. So very tempting.

He doesn't, though- because Luke lets him. He feels his replica's grip loosen, offering him that freedom, that escape. It's his choice. He's there, and he'll be there if Asch needs him. When Asch needs him.

...I know.

He holds on to Luke, one hand still pressed against the ground, balancing himself. He needs to stand up, to move, but he's reluctant to do so, knowing how big and open the world is when he can't see it. He has no idea where he is, what direction he's even facing, how far from home he is. He-

-he can't-

....

...he can't do this on his own.

He wants to move, but he doesn't want to look so pathetic and dependent, clinging to his replica like a child. Desperately he searches for an escape, some diversion, and- ah- there it is. The memories of what had happened - how he'd died - come back to him then, and he leans back, lifting his free hand to the scar across his chest. He can feel the dip in his skin, where his flesh had been knit back together by whatever restorative magic this world possessed. He hadn't just died. He'd been killed.

His hand lingers there, fingers trembling a little, and he presses them hard against his skin to make them stop.

Guy. A wave of emotions flow through him, trickling into the link, none of them particularly pleasant. There's a certain degree of finality in the realization of what had happened to him, a sense of that faint, desperate hope being snuffed out. Of course it had been Guy who'd done it. Controlled by something, by Sync, by the curse slot, whatever, but- but even so.

Guy.]

...How is he?

[It's all he can think to say. He should be angry, he knows, but even as the words leave his lips he can feel that familiar old resignation sinking in, quietly replacing the voice deep in his mind that's crying, betrayed, betrayed, betrayed.

Because it's a lie. Because he hasn't been betrayed. This isn't his Guy.

It's never been his Guy. Not once, not even back then.

And it stings, but... not like he thought it would.]

[It hurt for Luke to see that, the way Asch presses his hand against the scar that's left over. It's huge, and it's one more to go along with all the other horrid ones he has. Luke shifts a little closer, still keeping his grip a bit loose, but he lets their arms touch now. Barely, lightly. It's more contact for the both of them.

And with that question... Luke knows exactly who he means. And he's not sure what to say. Luke was in such a bad state the last time he saw Guy that the topic of Asch didn't come up, except for once, and it was very brief. Guy had told him to get better, for everyone's sake... for Asch's sake. And that had made pain grip his chest, and he found tears slipping down his cheeks out of frustration and grief and sorrow when Guy left.

He wants to reach his other hand out, his better hand, but... he can't. Not with his arm still in a sling like this, not when he can only just barely feel his fingers. So he just looks down at it, his lips pressed together and working slightly as he mulls over the thought.

Luke certainly knew what Guy looked like. So, he goes from there, shutting his eyes to take the feelings of betrayal hopelessness resignation loneliness sadness and letting his own uncertainty hope anxiousness strength quiet-joy-you're-alive leak through.]

He didn't want to do it. He thought he was over it all... And he's just - he's really confused. He knows we... didn't deserve it. Any of it.

[....Ha.

A ripple of humourless laughter passes through the link before Asch can squelch it, his fingers curling, nails digging into his skin, leaving dark red trails in their wake. Oh, he very much doubts that's how Guy feels- for his part of it, anyway. Truth be told, he'll be surprised if Guy felt anything at all over killing him. It's what he wanted, wasn't it? It what all the glares, the resentment, the mistrust was for. He's still a Fabre, even if no longer in name. He's a Fabre in a way that Luke, apparently, will never be.

It hurts. It hurts. But he pushes it away, stubbornly, fiercely, and beneath that hurt is the quiet belief that it's better this way. It's better that it was me. And he doesn't care if Luke disagrees. Things would be very different if their positions had been reversed, if Luke had died to save Asch. Of that, he is unbelievably certain.]

...It doesn't matter.

[His thoughts finally form into words, with considerable effort, before spilling back into the link again when his throat constricts. It's okay. It's okay. I'm glad it was me.

He's not, but he is. It could have been much, much worse. At least with his death the overall damage was... minimal.]

[NO IT ISN'T STOP DON'T SHUT UP WHY

The thoughts and emotions go through before he can stop himself, and he only manages to stop when he clenches his jaw and tightens his grip on Asch's hand. He hates... He hates that Asch is thinking that way. That he actually thinks it's okay he died. It's never okay. It isn't okay when Luke knows that, out of the two of them, he himself deserves it the most. He isn't supposed to be living anyway. He's already dying. It would've been better if it was him.

Denial frustration stubbornness pain quiet-joy-you're-alive.]

Asch...

... I said something to him. I said that... it didn't look like this made it any better.

[Asch ought to know what "it" refers to.]

I think I was right.

[Asch winces slightly at the sudden rush of thoughts and emotions, his back hunched. It was careless of him to let that through. A part of him wants to close the link then and there, cut himself off from that dependency, that openness. He shouldn't be letting Luke into his thoughts like that. He should know better. He prods at the link, experimentally, ever-cautious. Tries to close it.

And then it feels like every fiber of his being objects to the attempt. Loudly. It thrums painfully in his mind, and the hand at his chest lifts to grip his forehead. He... hadn't expected that.

Hadn't expected Luke's words, either. It's a distraction from his own stupidity and self-inflicted pain, and he feels another laugh, and this time it's audible, still just as humourless. It's brief, half-choked. If it had been anyone but him, Luke could easily have assumed it was a sob.

All that, and... it didn't change anything? I shouldn't even be surprised.]

...You are. I'm sure of that. He still- he's always hated me. Even before- when he was- a part of him still- [He stops, inhales another shaky breath. Something's burning in his chest, pounding in his head, and inwardly he wonders if he's starting to panic or something. He's never felt like this before. He hates it, he hates it.

He hates me. Always, always. It's where it all began: with him, with Father. Luke's just a victim of circumstance, guilty by association.]

It's always been me.

[Again, it hurts. It hurts to see Asch, who usually has a straight back and a raised chin, who has the strength of a noble, who's always pushing him for being so down on himself... Acting like him, in a way. And Luke is the one who's here trying to push him into believing in himself, though obviously not the same way that his original would do it.

He shifts closer, their arms, the sides of their legs, their hips and shoulders, all touching. He leans over more, temples not quite touching, but close to it. Luke can't get this close to many people at all, and usually he wouldn't do this much with Asch. But... he's alive. He just came back from being dead for a week. The link is flaring again, and he no longer feels a crushing sense of despair and loneliness. They're together again.]

Guy isn't going to just sit there and be okay with the fact that all that hate's there for no reason. What he did... It didn't help him. Hating you isn't doing anything for him.

... But I think you two should talk. Hearing this from me probably isn't doing anything, huh...

[Asch doesn't respond to that; he doesn't know what to say, how to express the fact that the very idea of talking to Guy right now makes his blood run cold. Hell, he doesn't want to express it. It's still weak, pitiful, and an insult against himself to be this... open. Vulnerable.

...Ugh. He doesn't want to think about this anymore - not what happened, not Guy - so he shoves it stubbornly from his mind. Reluctantly he lets himself slump against Luke, feeling drained, the mental and emotional drama taking quite a toll on his energy. He lifts a cautious hand to seek out his replica- it makes contact with his shoulder, then his neck, chest, then- arm. The sling. He pauses there, not lifting his head - looking would be pointless, he still sees nothing but black - but there's a flicker of something in the link. Irritation. Misery. Concern?

"You're still hurt."

He doesn't trust his voice this time. It might betray too much.]

[Luke lets his own head rest against Asch's, his eyes half-lidded in thought and concern and an odd sort of affection. The drama is taking a toll on him, too, and Asch coming back has both relieved and added to it. He's alive, he's alive, and god, Luke feels like he isn't surrounded by darkness and cold and loneliness anymore. And Asch is here, and they're both here, as original and replica, as friends.

But now Asch is blind. And now there's this new thing between him and Guy. Rather... it's always been there. It's just that now it's gotten to its worst point. With Guy finally... doing this, and not feeling that hatred leave him. With Asch feeling that that hate is for him and him alone.

Luke doesn't voice any of it anymore. He'd rather just stay here, away from everything, just with his original.

Then Asch touches the sling, and Luke feels those emotions within the link, hears those words.

He can see the sword slicing through Asch's shoulder and warm blood splattering over him and the sounds Asch made and the agonized thoughts -

He shuts his eyes tightly, reeling those images in before they can leak through, even if the emotions are still there. Horror. Misery. Guilt.

"It's not bad."

Not compared to what happened to Asch.]

[Not bad, he says. Asch half-scoffs, and even without feeling those emotions and memories that Luke hadn't wanted to share with him, he can guess at what his replica is thinking. He'd been there, he remembers- and he knows Luke, too. He doesn't like that Luke is hiding things, admittedly, since that's his job, and with his sight gone, he can't just read expressions like he used to. You know, for those rare times that he actually cares how other people are feeling.

Now. Now would be a good time for that particular skill. Not that trying to will it back to him is going to do much good...

Quietly, instead of arguing the point, he closes his eyes - without even realizing it, simply a reflex - and stretches out his mind, extending the link, strengthening it. He's better at hiding his emotions and thoughts than Luke is, he's done this much longer, he knows what he's-

-doing-

-light, there's light and he can see it-

With a sudden, sharp intake of breath Asch pulls back, his eyes snapping open. He can see- he can see-

...himself...]

[Luke shuts his own eyes when he feels Asch pressing, strengthening the link. He isn't sure if he's welcoming of it or not. It adds to the feeling of having someone there, yes, but it's also a breach of security. He's pretty used to Asch doing this sort of thing already, but it's always strange.

Then Asch is backing away, and Luke shoots his eyes open to stare at his original. Their hands are stretched between them, Luke still holding on to it, and then he slowly lets his hand lower as he frowns and tilts his head to the side lightly, trying to figure out the expression on Asch's face.]

... Asch?

[Asch hesitates, silent for a long moment, his breath quick and unsteady. He can see his own face more clearly now, looking shaken, disheveled, surprised; he can see the empty colour of his eyes, the pale white lines of his scars. He can see the trees, the sun, the clouds, a hand holding his- but it's not his, it's not his but he can see it as if it were, looking through-

-his replica's eyes.

The pause extends for a moment or so longer, and then he chokes back one more humourless laugh, lowering his head. Of course. Idiot. He's an idiot.

He even looks like an idiot, hunched over and shaking like that - he can see it, because Luke can see it, and by god is this ever disorienting, and as he lifts himself up he nearly falls over from the mixed perspective of feeling himself move, seeing the body in front of him move, but the view in his own gaze not changing at all-

He knows he should disconnect from the link, remove the temptation, but... it feels good to see something. The dark is just too damn lonely.]

[Luke frowns, and he leans to shift closer to Asch, using his only good arm. For a second his eyes dart downward, and Asch will see Luke's own attire. A hospital gown with a pair of baggy pants, and his arm completely covered in a splint.

Then he looks up, and he's closer to Asch again. The way he kept reacting is... concerning, to Luke, and it quietly shows through the link. Is he in shock? Is he light-headed? He can't tell, and if Asch doesn't answer him verbally...

"Are you okay?"]

[Another pause, then Asch lifts his head, trying to shake off the disorienting side effect of this new link he's opened. He's done this before, of course- seen the world through Luke's eyes. He's just never had Luke's vision be his only view- never relied so completely on his replica's sight.

Luke's asking him questions now, though, so after a moment he nods.]

...I'm fine. Hold on.

[Slowly, he works his way over to press against Luke, gripping his shoulder, and without another word he moves to kneel behind his replica, eyes closing once more, letting his head drop to rest on the hand already on Luke's shoulder. Okay. Okay, let's try this properly.]

Look up. [Wait, that's too vague.] Look around. At anything but me.

[At first, Luke wasn't sure he understood. He looks at Asch as he moves, one hand hovering over his original's chest when he gets close, eyes studying the long scar that traveled along his torso. He wishes he could heal it somehow, take that and the blindness away and let him take it instead. He lets his hand fall as he moves to kneel behind him, and he still isn't sure as Asch speaks, but...

Then, he does understand. "Look around, at anything but me". He's reminded of the few times Asch used him to see his surroundings, to tell Luke where he was, or to find him easier.

This... is just like that, isn't it? Asch can see. But only through Luke's eyes. That's why he looked so light-headed, why he reacted like that. Luke can't imagine looking at himself as he moves, like looking at a mirror image and relying solely on that to move.

His head lowers just slightly, nose brushing against Asch's hair briefly, before he shuts his eyes, turns his head forward, then opens them.

There's the forest ahead of them. He turns his head slowly, a wince appearing on his face and a sense of pain trickling into the link when his collarbone protests against the movement. Still, there's more of the forest, of a few rays of sunlight shining through the space of the leaves. There's the sound of a bird chirping near them, and Luke lifts his head to seek it out. It's barely visible in the shadows, right there. Luke can't see it, but Asch might.

After a moment, he turns his head up. Through the trees is the sky, the clouds, the sun. Everything that Asch can't see, Luke lets him see it. The sounds, the sensations of the ground and the sun and the air, the smells, things that might not be as strong for Luke.]

[For a while, Asch does nothing, merely allows the sights to flow into his mind, quiet and calm. It's not the same; there's a level of surrealism to the images- blurred edges, uneven clarity, faded colours, a fluxuating quality that comes and goes as if it were an ocean's tide. It's not like seeing through his own eyes. And he knows that it's temporary.

But... it's close. Close enough that he can fake it, even if just for a little while. Luke seems to understand now, and more importantly, he seems okay with it.

So he'll fake it. Just for now.

He lifts his head, opening his eyes again, giving the connection a very slight push and letting the sound, smell, and feel of the world around him fill in the gaps in his strange new sight. He gives Luke's shoulder a very slight squeeze before letting his hand drop, taking note of his replica's pain. He's still recovering; he belongs back in the clinic. It was a risk, coming here to get him. And he still...

....

...Thank you.]

[Luke doesn't answer that. Not through words, anyway. Instead, he catches Asch's hand in his own as it falls away, and he gives a squeeze of his own.

Always.

It's then that Luke decides they ought to get back to the clinic - Asch to help get used to life without his sight, even if it's only temporary, and Luke to recover a little more. He keeps a hold on Asch's hand as he turns slowly on his knees, eyes half-lidded so that Asch won't be jarred by the sight of movement so much.

But when Luke faces behind them, his eyes widen, because he sees someone standing there.]

... Xion?

[ Busted.

She hasn't been able to hear a word of their conversation, and only saw small bits of it - lurking about 30 feet away like she has been. But she notices when Luke's gaze fixes on her -- it's a little too particular for him to just be glancing around -- and she sighs. It takes her a few moments to make her way over to them, but her expression is quietly sympathetic. ]

... sorry. But I wanted to make sure both of you would get back alright.

[ She crouches down in front of them, looking from one boy to the other, her eye critical now. ]

Do either of you need healing before we go?

[Asch feels a sudden wave of awkward discomfort; what just happened between he and Luke is kind of... personal, and he's not happy that she's been spying on them. He'll just be over here quietly staring at her (through Luke's eyes) and glowering a little, though with his faded eyes it isn't particularly effective. He's also trying not to feel so embarrassed about the fact that Luke is holding his hand in front of his girlfriend, but his misery is starting to creep into the fonic link.]

I'm not injured.

I'm okay.

[He's not particularly embarrassed: out of anyone, Xion would understand why he's acting this way with his original. It's more from Asch's embarrassment and misery that Luke can feel through the link that he loosens his hold, then lets go of Asch's hand.

But because of that loss of contact, Luke lowers his eyes and turns his head towards Asch. Will he be okay without someone to lead him through wherever Xion takes them? Luke can always keep ahead of him, or just behind him, to let him see. But still...]

Do you... know the way back to the clinic? [It's directed at Xion, seeing how Asch couldn't possibly know where they are. And Luke realized only a moment ago that he had no idea either. He'd been so focused on the trail to Asch that the link gave him that he didn't even look at his surroundings.]

[ Still, she notices Asch making a brave attempt at glaring at her, and her mouth pulls to one side, just a bit.

Though when she notices the faded eyes, her expression blanks out. ... is he--?

No. Don't ask. Don't even allude to it. She knows Asch has his pride, and making a big scene out of what might be blindness won't help anyone. ]

Alright. [ To Asch. She stands, and addresses Luke. ] I do. But I think it would be a lot faster if I just opened a portal. But that's only if you two are okay with it.

[Asch's hand twitches a little, resisting the urge to reach out. He will not be weak and helpless, he will not. He'll just. Find Luke's shoulder or something when it's time to go.]

I have no problems with your portals. Walking back would be- [-awkward. He has a brief mental image of tripping over a hundred tree roots on the way back and makes a face.] ...A waste of time.

... Right. [Luke wouldn't have a problem walking back, but he has much the same mental image as Asch. And he doesn't want Asch to feel more misery than he already does.] Then we'll use your portal to get back.

[He moves to a kneel, and he raises his head, this time to look at his shoulder and at Asch. To Xion, it might look as if he's staring out of concern. But this is mostly for Asch: Giving him a view of himself as well as where Luke's shoulder and hand are. It's an offer, one that Asch doesn't have to take, and Luke doesn't say anything that may allude to it. But it's there if he needs it.]

Okay. [ She watches them both, for a moment, in silence. But when Luke kneels, she immediately turns her back and takes two steps away, opening her portal. She won't turn around until she hears them moving.

She is trying, as hard as she can, to respect this. She understands what it means - the bond between original and replica. But she couldn't not come. So this is the balance she offers. ]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

Re: [action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]