dissonates | Appointments Post

[He takes in a breath, as if he's about to explain and answer that question...

But then he lets it out in a sigh, and in that same motion, he walks to the couch, flops down beside Asch, and leans over to rest against his side, head on his shoulder, eyes on the floor and holding his own elbows. Instead of talking, he lets his mind open up with words: what Jane said, his own response, how he feels, Auldrant, Luceti...

He hasn't really used their link like this in a while. And it's kind of relieving.]

[As tempting as it is to sink into his default response of snapping at Luke and shoving him off, the unease becomes even more evident with the physical contact and the effortless sharing of thoughts, emotions, worries. Concerns about home.

He'd seen the entry, of course- read it over, contemplated responding, but had received the answer he'd have looked for in the various comments and questions already asked. There'd been no need to get involved, especially since attempting to get himself home would basically be suicide. He hadn't been aware of Luke's reply, though.

Interesting. It's a long moment before he finally responds, quietly using the link, since Luke seems to take comfort in it for the moment.]

"Are you going to do it? Try to go back?"

[He knows Asch doesn't like physical contact. He's never been the type to be sentimental, unlike Luke. It's one of the things that makes them two different people, even if they share a lot of traits.

But even with that in mind, Luke still turns his head a little, further burying his cheek against Asch's shoulder. He's so emotionally exhausted, after he and Xion talked about this... after they clung to each other, so scared of the future, neither wanting him to go, nor feeling the right to fight against it.

It's one of the reasons why he wants to do this through the link. It's close, it's personal, but it's not having to use his voice or try to push through all the other emotions he's feeling.]

"I don't think I have a choice."

[Asch's hand tightens around his book a little bit, lips pursing, though he doesn't speak up right away. There's a slight ripple of emotion through the link, veiled concern and discomfort, confusion, mixed feelings all around. With the way they are now, after everything they've gone through, he feels like he's constantly walking a tightrope of hating this reliance on his replica and needing it, desperately and painfully. Which meant reciprocating things when he replica needed him.

It's disquieting, something he can't quite bring into words. But he understands completely the need to use the fonic link this way.

Luke's answer doesn't surprise him, not really; he has responsibilities, duties to attend to. Without him, without his hyperresonance and the Jewel of Lorelei, the world will be doomed to be destroyed by the miasma. Van still hasn't been dealt with. It really doesn't leave him with much choice.

Still, even without that surprise, he has to ask.]

"Why?"

[Unlike Asch, Luke doesn't hate his reliance on his original much, so he feels no shame in whatever he might feel about this. What little of Asch's emotions he felt, as a result, makes him give a weak wince and tighten his grip on his elbows.

If he went back, he'd lose this too. Not only would Asch go back to hating him, but he'd also lose this link that they have. Not that they never use it at home, but it's so brief, and Luke doesn't even have the control that he does now, nor is he as used to it. Right now, it's not painful at all unless it's intense, whereas at home even the slightest prod would cause a headache. Everything they've been through, everything they've done for each other, everything would be forgotten.

And god, he can't stand that thought. Luke's trying to cover some of the other things he's feeling, but how morose he feels over all this seems to leak through anyway. Why does he have no choice? Isn't it obvious?]

"Auldrant was safe and peaceful when I left. But ever since I came here, I realized that it's not going to stay like that for long. I can't just sit here and forget about all that just to stay here.

And... it's not like I have any right to stay anyway. After Akzeriuth..."

[After Akzeriuth, his entire being became tied to Auldrant. He can't just ignore that.]

"...Hm."

[It's not like Asch has any particular argument against such claims; not so much that a murderer has no right to that cliche "happily ever after" that everyone seems to seek out for some reason (generally they don't get it anyway- he knows that well) but Auldrant would be quite literally doomed without Luke. Particularly since his body, at the time he left, still carried the Key of Lorelei.

For him, it's much simpler. Asch can stay because he has no choice- he has nothing waiting for him back on Auldrant, no further contribution to offer the world he'd left behind. His role in the story is done.

Even so, it's still... tempting. To let it finally come to an end. Because staying means being trapped in a perpetual cycle of dying every time his dissonance acts up. Dist estimated two years, and he's already feeling it again. It's not like he wants to die, obviously, and he's aware of the fact that going back would be the same as killing himself, but... it's a matter of asking himself a question he's been trying to avoid since his time on Auldrant ended, since his goal of stopping Van was achieved by his own replica.

What else do I have to live for?

He hasn't really found an answer yet, one way or another. And while it's not like he can say all of that, his unhappy indecisiveness echoes Luke's own, though it's somewhat muted in comparison.]

"Have you spoken with Xion?"

Edited 2013-02-09 23:07 (UTC)

[There's a small pause, born from Luke feeling that same sort of unhappiness from Asch. It's a little concerning, and a small amount of it gathers in a corner of his mind.

What are Asch's thoughts on the matter? Will he go or stay? If Luke decided to stay, would they be separated still? Did it matter what choice he made? How would he deal with it?

... How would it feel for Asch, if they separated?

God, he's so selfish even when he isn't trying to be. At that, Luke lets out a sigh and shuts his eyes, allowing himself to better feel the warmth against his side and his cheek.

He really is pretty dependent on his original...]

"... Yeah. She's... really sad. I know she doesn't want me to go... but she's not stopping me either, if I do decide on that."

[He would go on; he isn't sure how she can do that, holding herself back in begging him not to go, as he's sure he'd do that. She's strong... Strong even when she feels such heartbreak.]

"That's mature of her."

[It's often surprising to him, how curiously wise and- frankly, adult-like some replicas can be despite only being a few years old. Xion and the Fon Master are the more noteworthy examples of this. Maybe it really is one's upbringing more than an inherent nature...

Thinking about Xion is a better distraction from his own uncertainties, as well, and he clings to that. He'd rather not think about whether to go or stay, what any of that means, and who he might or might not leave behind (and who would leave him, if he stayed) or if anyone would even care.

Not like they'll remember.]

"Assuming it even works, I doubt many people will choose to stay. It would be a quiet village with everyone gone."

[What a lonely, pathetic existence- a land filled with people who are essentially the walking dead, or those who have no place in their own worlds. A sad little community of outcasts.

There's that urge to leave, again. Ugh.]

"... I don't want to go, you know."

[Luke doesn't open his eyes, just allowing his other senses to take over. In a way, it makes the link stronger, too, bringing another sort of comfort. The mental link is like... Luke isn't sure how to describe it. It's theirs. A new level of communication that no one can touch, it's like - like another world entirely.

It's like taking a break from the rest of the world for a moment, especially with his eyes shut.]

"If I didn't cause everything to go wrong back at home, I'd choose staying here over anything else. If I didn't think the world still needed me, I... Maybe this wouldn't be so hard. Maybe there's some other people who're like that."

"That's obvious. You wouldn't sound so miserable about it if you actually wanted to leave."

[Despite the words, Asch's voice isn't particularly snippy about it; instead he just sounds tired. Like the very idea of thinking about whether or not to go home is exhausting.

Inwardly he knows that Luke is probably thinking about what he'd also considered, though to a different extent than Luke himself: if either of them go back, they'll lose... well, this. Whatever this is, this strange but familiar comfort that they've grown to find in one another's company. This isn't a connection one can just replicate (ha, isn't that a sad irony) on a whim. It's something that only works between the two of them.

If Luke goes home, he'll lose this, and Asch will go back to keeping him at arms length, bare minimum. Hating and envying and wanting what he has.

If Asch goes home, he'll die and lose everything, and Luke will never know what they had.

That's what sacrifice really means. To stop Van- to save the world- the lives of two people mean nothing.

He tries to embrace that sentiment, let the emotion of it carry through the link in an attempt to reassure his replica - for whatever it's worth - but he's not sure if it's particularly successful. He just feels more indecisive than before.]

[The sentiment does carry through: that the lives of the many outweigh the lives of the few. Luke knew that. He knew it when he took up the sword after Akzeriuth, knowing that people will hate him for what he's doing, but also that he'd have to go through them if it meant saving everyone else...

It's just like this again. The needs of the many outweigh the few. Even if those few are precious, so very, very important, as close as lover, as close as a brother, as close as best friends.

That's what sacrifice is.

But...

It's so unfair. Why does it have to be us? Why does the fate of the world and the hate of the many rest on our shoulders...?

"You deserve it", says a voice, but Asch... the both of them...

He lets out a shuddering sigh, and he covers his face with one hand, dragging it down just a little to get a grip on himself. It's as if... for once, Luke is thinking of himself. There is a silver lining on his cloud, and there's one on Asch's too, even if his original can't see it. And to give it up...

Dammit.]

"Miserable? You make me sound like a stupid kid."

"No, you're a stupid replica, remember?"

[There's no venom attached to the comment, and instead Asch just sounds vaguely amused. He's always had the most twisted sense of humour at the worst of times, so he sees no reason to change his habits now.]

"Look, there's nothing childish about being unhappy with your own situation. People are always unhappy for one reason or another. What separates adults from children is what you do regardless of how you feel."

[He's had almost a lifetime of putting the needs of the world above his own - he understands the indecision that comes hand in hand with giving up what you want. Or, alternatively, losing it without a choice and not being allowed to take it back.]

[At first, there's no response from Luke. His hand remains on his face for a moment, then moves to his arm, where he grips the sleeve, and bites his lip, still keeping his eyes shut.

He doesn't want to give in to that burning feeling, that one behind his throat and eyes that he knows so well. He has no shame in crying, but he doesn't want to do so in front of Asch. His original knows the unfairness of situations like this more than anyone, and Luke feels like crying over it would just make him seem like a baby as a result.

So he holds it in as much as he can, frowning as if to hide it, and is just grateful that they're not using their voices.]

"But I don't know what to do. I'm letting people down no matter what I decide..."

[There's a small pause, but he voices his thoughts again before Asch can do so for him.]

"You know, when I first came here, before I learned that Auldrant wasn't as safe as I thought, I... I told myself I'd go back as soon as I got the chance. I promised myself, even. I believed in that with everything I had."

"...But the situation's changed."

[it's so easy to say that, when you first arrive- that you'll go back as soon as possible, that you'll jump at the chance to return home. He'd thought much the same way, carried away by his own outrage, his frustration, that burning need to go back and finish things. Especially with how close he'd been, both to death and to confronting Van. Just days away from ending everything, only to have it prolonged here for years, not knowing how or when his life will come to an end.

It really is a wonder that he's lasted this long.]

"The longer you stay here, the more of a home it becomes. You're established. You know people. Eventually the bond you share with the people here can be stronger than the one you have with your own world. That's what makes this place so dangerous."

[He's quiet for a moment, thoughtful and pensive, then adds more softly,]

"Maybe that's the real reason for why we've been trapped here for so long."

Appointments Post

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]

[Action, February 3rd]