dissonates | Appointments Post

[That...

...that was not the right thing to say. But then, with him, people so rarely say the right thing, anyway. Still, he bristles, twisting to face Guy properly, one hand braced on the tree to keep him grounded. Or to keep him from lunging and shoving Guy down the hill just to get him the hell away, maybe. He can't decide yet. Or maybe he should leave, instead.

But no- he's still mad, and Guy keeps making him mad, and he hates that he feels so justified in his anger and at the same time judged for that... irrationality. Even if it feels completely rational to him.

He's facing down the man who murdered him in cold blood. Why the hell should he be expected to stay even remotely close to calm?]

It's not what you say that's dishonest- It's what you don't say! That's always been how it is with you! You talk and talk and talk and say nothing!

[W h o a okay, something there hit a nerve, and said nerve is sadly down the exact place Guy did not want to take this talk, but Asch seems to have sunk himself into bringing feelings into this - gosh, how many years had it been now?? Al he's doing is piling on hurt for a situation that shouldn't be taking that kind of stress. Well... not completely, at least.]

What does that have to do with any of this? I-- [His jaw tightens, a hand running through his hair as he tries to clip his own words in response.] Look, am I not being blunt enough? What the hell do you want me to say?

[Asch's fists clench, hating the anger, hating the source of it, hating the words bubbling up in his chest and hating that he can't say what needs to be said.]

You're so intent on figuring me out. You want me to tell you what's changed, what makes me so different from the Asch you knew. But that's the thing- you never knew me. You never bothered! And to me, you're the one who's changed!

[A year ago he'd never be asking these questions. A year ago this conversation would have been over before it even began.

To Guy, he's always been a Fabre. So what is even the point of this?]

What in the world do you call this, then?

[The patience in his voice is wearing thin, replaced by something strict and sharp and borderline parental.]

I didn't just do this for laughs, Asch. I'm asking you these things because I want to know. But you're just-- turning it around and saying you won't tell me what's on your mind because I never knew in the first place? That I'm the one who's different, like that makes it an excuse for something?

Funny thing, but life just does that - it changes you. Whether you want it to or not.

[The last sentence hangs heavy in the air, but he's quick to continue. That's a bag of problems for later.]

I'd like to have thought that whatever happened could change you, just like it might do for anyone else. One year, seven years, here or on Auldrant; it doesn't matter. Life just happens.

And I'm sorry but, really, I can't read your mind. I don't know what happened to you, but it sure as hell wasn't anything from back home.

[Because the Asch back at home never would do things like this. He would never say things like this. He would never bother, and they would keep things that way. Would he think like this? Feel things like this? Maybe. Guy definitely wouldn't put it past him. But to speak out wasn't a sign of the stagnant, unchanging God-General from his own immediate past.

At some point, the soldier finally started becoming a man of his own merit. But if he couldn't be bothered to see it for himself, then maybe it was just wishful thinking. Maybe the word he'd given to Natalia would be empty after all.]

[He's still mad. That anger isn't going anywhere, not with the words churning through his head, lashing at his heart. Life just happens? Not to him. It's never just happened to him.]

If you think there's this hidden reason behind my behaviour, some great singular event that changed my life, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

[And hey, maybe there was. Maybe befriending Guy, experiencing a relationship, finally getting laid or whatever is really such a transformative experience.

But Asch doesn't think so. Because he remembers it as being more than that, much more. It's the day Guy dragged him outside to fool around in the snow when he was new to this world and hating everything. It's Luke making a place for him in his home, despite knowing that he'd be faced with daily abuse because he is who he is. It's sitting with Tear on a riverbank, talking about growing up with Van. It's Xion laughing at his apparently transparent way of caring for the replicas he used to hate. It's Emil acting like he's terrifying sometimes but coming back time after time. It's Buffy's rambling way of carrying a mostly one-sided conversation as they tend the bar because she's not afraid to treat him like an actual human being. It's Ion patiently enduring his grating behaviour and still calling him a friend. It's Stella's memory, the dagger in his boot, the locket in his desk, the way her hand felt in his. It's Rapunzel, touching him and telling him that he's someone worthy of her love.

It's memories. So many memories.

It's being connected to someone else's mind at all times and realizing too late that you need that connection like air. It's becoming so used to being held at night, every night, that waking up alone is still the most terrifying moment of the day. It's remembering the daily routine of eating breakfast in his house with his loved one and watching his stupid, lazy, crucially important replica-brother-whatever stagger into the kitchen scrubbing at his eyes and asking for some form of caffeine, watching Guy smile and fuss over him and not feeling the old stab of jealous rage because he'd smiled at Asch like that, too, all affection and indulgence and exasperation and care.

It's everything. It's what he had and what he's lost, and it's the second time in his life that that's happened. It's too much to say. Even now, he can't say it.

It is, as Guy said, life. Life happens. And no, not to him- not until he came here.

That's what changed.]

Being here, being trapped in this place- it changes people. Ask anyone. What changed, who I was, what does it matter? Why is it so important to you? Why are you so focused on the past? This is who I am! Stop questioning that and just accept me!

[He hadn't meant to say that last part, but now that it's out, he's not sure whether or not to regret it. It's what he wants, sure. It's what he'd always wanted, ever since he was a child. Accept me. Acknowledge me. Love me for who I am and not who I could be. Let me dictate my own existence. The Score and my legacy and my title don't decide who I am.

Who I am isn't pretty, but I'm still me.]

...

[Congratulations, Asch, Guy is now at a loss for words.

It's a bit dramatic, the way Asch's assumptions spill out of his mouth only to end on such a surprising note. Was that really all this lead to? Asch's flip-flopping behavior, his actions when Guy had confronted him in the clinic, his statement that he didn't hate Guy, but it would be easier if that favor wasn't returned...

Really, was that all because this man just wanted to be acknowledged? Revenge, anger, bitterness, and even a murder aside, and he could still be standing here and spitting that out with as much fervor as he'd shouted every angry thought for Luke.

It's as if, for a second, that child forever berated by his father, hanging onto Guy like a lifesaver until the day he vanished, separated and toyed with and broken before finally returning to people who would never see him the same way again... that boy was speaking up. Separation from the goals of Auldrant, from things that he'd been tied down to since birth, from a life that didn't seem to matter... maybe that was all it took.

He could just be Asch here. Just a person.

There's a deep suspicion that there's far more to it. It can't be so simple. Asch himself didn't seem convinced of it, anyway, from the tone in his words. But Guy knows he's toeing a line that few could even come close to. Natalia. Van, in the past... and maybe even Luke.

And if Asch's frustration is simply with not being accepted... well, maybe their relationship hadn't changed that much at all. Stranger and with a lot less trust, sure. But the redhead grew enough of his own backbone to speak up for himself - the very thing that Guy had berated him for the last time they'd spoken face to face.

Heh. Despite what he told Natalia... he never thought he'd see the day where Asch might actually grow. Call it habitual pessimism. He was, after all, still a Fabre. But that didn't hold the sting it used to. Who'd have thought?

...]

[His expression flickers between something confused, frustrated, searching... before it just settles into something oddly soft.]

You really are different.

[It's said with the glimpses of a smile, hesitant and not exactly reaching his eyes but.... wow, he wasn't sure if he was proud or slightly relieved or just... too confused to think straight. He's not the best with confronting emotions so deeply, so back down to the corners they are shoved while he gets his composure back together.]

Sorry. Pushing you like that wasn't what I was going for. [He gives the wisp of a shrug, and eye contact is a non-existent thing as he continues, but his voice is much gentler than it had sounded before.] Anyway...

I don't know why you're asking me about the past when I'm pretty sure you already know the answer. But that's exactly why it matters.

[Not for the same reasons either might have had in the past, but because moving on despite that past was the only way either could be accepted for anything of merit.

...

There's a long pause, his hand rubbing against the back of his neck as his lips press tight. With a huff, he plops himself to a seat on the ground - not breaking that personal bubble, not leaving, just... hopefully turning this into a conversation.]

...I can't make promises, Asch. I can't take back things I've said or done or thought. I can't pretend to understand what you've gone through. I can't say sorry and expect that to fix anything.

So I won't.

But know that I made up my mind not too long ago about you.

[And his tone should be enough to say that it's not what Asch may have wanted back at the clinic. Dislike, annoyance, an a million bad memories? Yes. But it wasn't hate. Or, at least, it was trying its best not to be.

Someday, maybe they could start over. Maybe not now, maybe not here, if Asch was already so touchy on the subject.

But someday, maybe they could just exist as people.]

Edited 2013-12-06 22:43 (UTC)

[It's when Guy finally sits down that Asch finally lets go of some of his anger, and what's left is mostly confused surprise. Maybe even uncertainty. After a long moment he turns back and slumps against the tree again, arms dropping to his sides. He's not ready to sit and get all chummy with Guy, sure. But... he can stay for a while. Hear him out.

That really wasn't the response to his outburst that he'd expected.]

...Made up your mind... how?

[He doesn't need promises. Guy's made them before - not this Guy, but Guy nonetheless - and in the end they'd only hurt him. He doesn't want that again. But... maybe a clearer idea of what Guy wants, what his end goal is... even just a hint would be enough. A start.

A start of what?

God, he has no idea. He's too paranoid and sick of disappointment to theorize about it. But Guy's here now, seeking him out, when he'd wanted Asch as far away as possible, before. That has to mean something. For good or ill, he'll see this through for a while.]

[It's not something he feels he can answer so bluntly. But Asch seems to be settled, which is a comfort on its own. It's a sign that yes, he'll listen after all. Guy didn't want to make this any showier than it already was, but the space between them is already raw with confusion and anger and not knowing what to think of the other person, alike and yet different from the person they'd known before.

He rests his arms against his knees, fingers loosely weaved together.]

The last time we spoke, back on Auldrant, I had a hunch that you were finally trying to put that past of yours behind you. You hadn't quite managed it yet, though. You had to settle things with Luke and find your own way. [Thumbs fidget against his palms - cut it out, that fight couldn't be prevented. To be upset isn't going to help. Just finish your thought.]

...

If you could find a purpose as Asch, despite what life did, then... well, we'd have come full circle, I guess. We'd both be different than how we met. You would no longer be the son of an enemy, and I no longer your servant.

[He straightens up just enough to finally meet Asch's eyes, that same attempt at a smile, genuine but just barely there. He needs to see a reaction to this.]

We'd start over. Just as people.

[And again, Asch's reaction is mostly stunned silence, at least at first. He stares, taking in those words, the smile, the surrealism of this Guy in this place smiling at him like that, and he's not sure what to do with it. It seems like such a small thing, but it's worlds away from how they'd started out. He's honestly not sure what to make of it, or whether or not he should allow himself to be taken in. He's done this song and dance three times already, and he's honestly sick of letting himself enjoy it just long enough to get his heart ripped out. Again.

He does like the sound of that, though. Just... being a person. It's what he's been slowly working towards over the years, and this is the only place where it's even possible anymore. The thought of having that again is...

...dammit... goddammit.

He still can't say no to Guy.

Glancing down, he purses his lips, unable to look at that smile any more without knowing exactly what it means. He wants to believe that it's honest. He has no way of proving it one way or the other.]

...Do you really think that's possible?

Who knows.

[It's casual, even as he lets himself lean back, elbows propping him up, one ankle crossing the other. Maybe it's a stark contrast to how uncomfortable Asch is, but really, Guy's just good at hiding it.]

There's a lot of things that people think are impossible. I think that's why you have to just... try for yourself.

[For years, he thought retribution would not come until blood had been shed. Now that he was here, that death already on him like a brand, it was startling how little it solved. Maybe because he really had moved on. Maybe because the action wasn't entirely his own. But for a long time, he thought that anything but revenge would be impossible.

And yet, this is where life had led them.]

[He's not a big fan of trying. He's not particularly good at it, and it tends to end in either failure or outright exploding in his face. It's hard to be optimistic when you've led the kind of life he has.

For Guy to suggest it, though - and to him especially - is enough to give him reason to pause and think about it, though. At least consider the possibility. The potential, even. It's not like he could ever expect a miracle, or a return to what he had before. He wouldn't want it even if it could happen. (The damage it had caused? Once was enough.) But...

...friends...

...Ha. Best to wait and see if "acquaintance" sticks, first.]

I'm not very good at this, you know.

You didn't used to be that good with a sword, either.

But you still practiced.

[An ancient memory, but still a true one. It really was one of the many things the two Fabre shared. Whether it was because of the time Van poured into them, the rush, the praise, or the power, both worked as hard as they could when it came to the sword. For very different reasons, sure, and yet they were both skilled fighters now.

It's a simple implication. If Asch could try that, then he could try this as well.

Guy trying it... yeah, that would be interesting enough. But delving into his personal reasons isn't a smart option. Besides, at least he bothered to call himself friendly or at least act the part when necessary. Asch either didn't have that luxury or didn't care enough to pursue it.]

...You want me to practice... being a person?

[That sounds like, at the same time, both the most ridiculous and yet most legitimate suggestion he's ever received.

And he has no idea whatsoever how to utilize it. As usual.

Ugh.

...He can't believe Guy remembers all of that, though. He noticed that?]

[He notices a lot more than you might have thought, Asch. Whether he'd be bothered to talk about or not, though? Good luck.

Meanwhile he is going to try and fail to hold back a sputtered laugh. Sure, okay, that was kind of what he was saying. But the way he put it wasn't exactly what he was going for.]

Does it matter what I want you to do?

[His palms are up for a moment before Asch can bother to get huffy about that.]

If it's not something you're good at, and you want to get better, you have to get yourself involved in some way. Sitting and thinking and worrying about what to do or not do isn't going to change much, except make you worry even more about the "what-if's".

The only way to beat that is to do something. So yeah. You could call it practice.

[Asch's response, after a pause, is a somewhat indignant snort, and the very beginnings of a fractured smile as he glances off to the side. Practice being a person. Or, perhaps more literally - and comfortably to consider, since the alternative would be like saying that he isn't a person now, in which case, screw you - practice being with people. Which is what Guy had wanted from him, last time.

"Does it matter what I want you to do?"

...Heh. Well.]

I work at the bar. Do you know why?

[If there's ever a place to "practice", it's a social setting. And there's still some nights where he'd love to set the whole place on fire and walk away, but he hasn't quit yet. That's something.]

Lost a bet, maybe?

[It's said with a shrug, far from a serious response and staying open enough to let the redhead explain himself. Of course he doesn't know why. Seeing Asch actively working in a place like that wasn't what Guy would have expected, sure, but he could say without a doubt that the redhead wasn't doing it for fun. Really, the whole time Guy had been in there tonight, Asch barely shifted from his regular sour demeanor.

Sure, that could have been because of him being there in the first place, but he'd rather throw that idea out the window for right now.]

It's not work I'd picture you enjoying.

[His first remark earns Guy a bit of a glower (again), but somehow Asch manages to shrug it off. It's actually easier, with Guy acting a bit more like he's used to, rather than the glaring, hateful version he'd experienced last time around. And at the same time, it's almost too much to endure; he keeps catching himself before he responds too flippantly, or even playfully- like they were already friends instead of just not enemies. A behavioural turn-around like that would just make him look suspicious and stupid. Or worse, like Luke.

He doesn't want either of those.]

It has its moments, for good or ill. But the one who convinced me to try it was you.

Appointments Post

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UH..... hi have action brackets forever i guess (1/2)

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