Asch the Bloody (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dissonates) wrote2020-05-05 11:33 pm
dissonates) wrote2020-05-05 11:33 pm
Appointments Post
Feel free to use this post for random threads, backtagging or forwardtagging, whatever. It can be Written, Action, Voice, or just a quick call on the journal system for whatever reason.
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[Action, January 1st]
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When you tag, please put a [Style, Date] in the subject line to start it out, eg.:
[Action, January 1st]
Thanks!
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There's no fuss made as he follows right behind Asch, shooting Buffy an apologetic grin as he buttons up his own coat and quickly closes the door behind them.
The silence is thick as they step out into the plaza. Where exactly to start with this is a question all on its own, but... better just start with something easy. Maybe they could just talk while they were moving.]
Sorry about that. [He takes a couple steps forward, hands deep in his coat pockets with a quick attempt at a smile.] Anywhere in particular you wanted to go?
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Just keep moving. I'm not interested in this being some passerby's idea of entertainment.
[Especially without knowing how this will go yet...]
i am assuming those blossoms do not blossom all year, please smack me if i am wrong
If either were expecting the stroll to carry any line of conversation, then they would be incredibly disappointed. Asch seems intently focused on moving in one direction, and Guy is too busy pulling together what in the world he is going to say whenever they finally stop. It was better to just assume that Asch would take this the worst way, regardless of what he had said otherwise. Not that the God-General was the type to outright lie, but his pride was always something to be considered. If this incident had left a large enough scar on the redhead, then even the most honest of discussions may not do a lick of good.
It's a silent tug-of-war between him and Asch, broken up by the sound of their footfalls against the dirt. Only when they've walked a good distance does the tension let up a bit, rounding a corner to a hill sparsely covered in dark, spindly trees. Whatever flowers or leaves they might have had had taken quite a beating with the cold weather, leaving it a little on the gloomy side of appearances. But it's plenty secluded from the public. Really, Guy doesn't have any reason to protest... outside just the general atmosphere giving him the creeps.]
...Huh. I wasn't aware Luceti had an orchard like this.
Interesting choice.
hell if I know I am not a botanist or whatever
He's here to see where Guy stands, ally or foe or something else, something in the middle. It seemed appropriate to test him here.
He glances over, giving Guy an expectant look.]
It's secluded enough. Now tell me what you have to say, and I'll listen.
[Well, he'll try.]
hngh okay let's do this
Way to put me on the spot, huh?
[...
He catches that look for just a second before he lets his eyes drift back to the ground, his hands staying clenched deep in his pockets. There was a lot to go over, yes, and his first instinct is to dance around it as much as possible. But he knows that won't get anything accomplished. If Asch is thinking he'll just listen and be done with it, then they're going to be in for a rough evening.
But maybe... just maybe... they can try and communicate. Even the basics would be better than where they had left off in the past.]
You remember the last conversation we had, right? When-- [When I killed you. Afterwards, in fact. You knew it was me, even though you couldn't see.] -- when I talked to you, back in the clinic.
[He pauses, only long enough to carefully pick out his words. Don't hesitate. Don't overthink. The worst he can do is leave.
Take a deep breath.
...]
You told me a couple things then. About what happened, and what you thought. Probably wasn't the best time to have asked what I did... and I don't think I ever heard what you genuinely felt about anything.
[He gives a casual shrug, although his voice doesn't follow in tone, keeping even and low. This isn't something to joke about.]
I know it's none of my business now, Asch. It never really was. If you're up for it, though, I'd like to know what you really meant.
oh lordy
....
For Luke?
It's not like he'd intended to die. The state of his body was a constant situational hazard, and apart from Guy's sword, it had been the dissonance of his body that had killed him. But telling Guy that back then would have been admitting a weakness, and why would he risk sharing something like that with someone who already hated him and wanted him dead?
This Guy... he hasn't made a decision about that, yet. He's not sure when he will.]
Let me ask you this, first. Before you came here... what's the last thing you remember happening in our world?
[What was the turning point? When did things change? What happened that made Guy suddenly so interested in asking this kind of question?
Last time, he'd been from much too far in the past for Asch's life to mean a damn thing. His past, their past had meant nothing to Guy. Certainly nothing like what it meant to Asch. But later...
...later, he'd been dead. He'd had no future at all outside of this place. And the fear, the implication that it had been his untimely demise that had made Guy rethink their relationship, for good or ill, hadn't left him since they'd had that conversation.
And really, could there be anything more pathetic? The recognition that his value only depends on his status as a living being or a corpse?
He's not sure he could handle that. It would shake the very foundation of everything he's become in this place. Everything that's changed.
So when?]
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With how much Asch has visibly aged, Guy would be surprised if someone hadn't spilled about what had gone on in Auldrant by now. The redhead might be brash and snippy, but he wasn't entirely stupid. He listened. It was likely he at least caught on, if he really was from a timeline before him.
It's an "if". Might as well break that. But he still keeps it to the basics.]
The Planet Storm stopped not too long ago. There were plans underway from both Malkuth and Kimlasca to infiltrate Eldrant, but no major actions had started. Not yet, anyway.
Pretty sure that's where you were headed, too.
[Although he hadn't shown his face since their final conversation. He'd made it clear that Eldrant would be a final stand, in a sense - for him, for Luke, and for their sense of identities. Or, well, Asch's sense of identity. Luke had pleaded enough for Guy to feel the kid had already separated himself from Asch a while ago, in theory.
Leaving it to blows didn't sit well with Guy, but he at least acknowledged that it was important. Asch wouldn't have declared his motivations otherwise. It was an act that could stir some change, and hopefully settle the mess that Asch's sense of self had become.
Now the question is... which Asch is he speaking to? The one before, or the one after?]
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He hadn't gone to Eldrant. Not yet. Which means he doesn't know that Asch dies, unless someone else from their world told him, which is unlikely. They'd been careful to keep it a secret from Luke, so why would they tell Guy?
He tells himself it's better this way. And in a way, Guy telling him that is the only thing that keeps him here, keeps him from turning and marching right the hell out of the woods and back to his house. Confirmation of his life mattering to Guy only after it ended would be the final straw for him.
So... what? He'd had a chance even before he'd died? Guy was willing to speak to him without dismissing him or snapping at him or openly hating him? It just hadn't mattered, because there was too much else to do?
No.
It was just too late. It's not like they could have become friends overnight. Hell, he can barely manage to form a friendship in a year. The thought of even trying is laughable. reaching some kind of awkward, tolerable understanding was the most he'd ever expected from anyone in years.
God, how much this place changes people. It's unfair.
He tries, but he can't quite stop the surprise from flickering over his expression, fleeting and indecisive. Guy's point of origin had been the potential excuse for him to leave, but not getting the answer he'd expected just leaves him more startled and uncertain than ever. If not his death, then... what changed? What made this conversation even possible? If it had just been guilt over killing him, they'd have been able to talk like this a year ago when it actually happened. This... this is different.]
My answer back then... about why I did it. [Why I saved him.] You could have just accepted it, walked away knowing I was just a terrible, selfish original seeking to hurt him again. I made you an offer and you wouldn't take it. Why?
[He'd thought it was what Guy wanted. But he'd just thrown it back in Asch's face like it meant nothing to him. Did he really care that much about honesty, or had something else driven him? And what was driving him now?]
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[There's only a little bit of bite to it - a casual annoyance at the tone Asch's voice takes - that Asch had wanted Guy to consider him scum and hate him completely. It's that same wave of anger he remembers feeling back then... but this time, he isn't being badgered by Luke, by raw memories, by seclusion from acquaintances or by his own damn guilt.
So he lets it settle, exhaling sharply before he speaks again.]
That fight happened fast. A handful of minutes, maybe. You weren't there when it started, so I'm guessing you saw it through Luke. Not sure when, or where you came from, but you still had to make up your mind quick enough to intervene. To do it just because of a sadistic joke...
[He scoffs lightly, a hand against his neck.]
You're not that impulsive.
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[Isn't he? He's made much more cruel decisions at the drop of a hat before. He'd forced Luke to turn his blade on Tear in Chesedonia, just because it had been funny at the time. He'd resolved to join his replica's ridiculous crew to fight Van in the end and then changed his mind seconds later, just because Luke had said one especially stupid thing. Dying just to leave a cruel scar on Luke's heart? Years ago, he might have done it.
But that was then, and this is now. And even if Guy hadn't known him that well at the time, the transparency of his behaviour is bothersome.
Still, he can't bring himself to share the truth. Not all of it.]
Fine, then. The reason for it is much more simple- he was going to die, and I could save him. I never intended to martyr myself for him, or anything so idiotic and noble. I assumed my intervention would mean we both survived. I was wrong.
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Why do that, though? You said yourself that death is just temporary. You could have just left him alone to learn a lesson the hard way. Maybe even teach him to have better choices in friends.
[Keep the replica at arm's length, then his annoyances won't be a bother. Guy didn't want to think what that death would have done to Luke... but he knows the boy well enough to say he would have come back with far less to say to his former guardian. Asch had already seemed upset enough when he'd moved out of the apartment - why not just let things happen out of spite?]
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....
He'd rather not have the answer to that question, actually. And his voice is somewhat strained when he replies - not upset, but definitely... affected, however inexplicably. He's not happy about the implications of Guy's train of thought.]
Is it so difficult a concept for you to swallow? The idea that I might have a reason to want him alive?
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It's just not what I remember. If this were Auldrant, it would make sense. But you don't need to look twice to tell that... well, you've been here for a while.
Unless your priorities back home are really that important, your reasons must have changed.
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I'm not an idiot, despite what you might believe. We have a common enemy here. Several, in fact. Whether we like each other or not is irrelevant- we're allies now. Would you let an ally die right in front of you?
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He did let an ally die in front of him. Almost two. It wasn't what he wanted. But it's still what happened.]
We're talking about you, Asch. Not me. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of stuff I'd do that you wouldn't bother with.
[...]
If it was that simple, then why pull the charade?
[Trust was the first thing that came to mind. But he'd prefer to hear it in Asch's words. Guessing hasn't gotten him too far.]
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...You've never been honest with me. What reason do I have to be honest with you?
[He hasn't forgotten that, either. Years of lying, of letting Asch believe that they were more than just a master and his hired help. Of depending on Guy as one of his select few precious people, servant, guardian, confidante, friend. He'd never forget the betrayal and the heartbreak he'd felt when Van told him the truth.
Lies and betrayal- those were what broke his loyalty, his trust. Guy, and Van, and countless others. The only one who hadn't lied to him was the only one who couldn't.
And that's what Luke was, in the end. Through the hate, through the abuse, through the arguing and the conflicting emotions... Luke was the only one who couldn't lie to him.
The only one whose word Asch could really trust.]
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[Sure, it's a biting remark, one that Guy knows he deserves. But right now doesn't seem like the time or the place, and the flustered sound that he makes is about the only tell he'll let slip for how much he does not want to go down that path right now.]
Well, maybe because that's how things get resolved, and how problems get fixed. You know, you talk it out. That kind of takes some honesty.
But you know what? No. You don't have to. There isn't a reason for you to be honest with me. [Not one that will get Asch to cooperate easily, that is.]
If you were so set on kicking my word as something dishonest this whole time, though... then really, I'm not sure why you said you'd listen.
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...that was not the right thing to say. But then, with him, people so rarely say the right thing, anyway. Still, he bristles, twisting to face Guy properly, one hand braced on the tree to keep him grounded. Or to keep him from lunging and shoving Guy down the hill just to get him the hell away, maybe. He can't decide yet. Or maybe he should leave, instead.
But no- he's still mad, and Guy keeps making him mad, and he hates that he feels so justified in his anger and at the same time judged for that... irrationality. Even if it feels completely rational to him.
He's facing down the man who murdered him in cold blood. Why the hell should he be expected to stay even remotely close to calm?]
It's not what you say that's dishonest- It's what you don't say! That's always been how it is with you! You talk and talk and talk and say nothing!
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What does that have to do with any of this? I-- [His jaw tightens, a hand running through his hair as he tries to clip his own words in response.] Look, am I not being blunt enough? What the hell do you want me to say?
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You're so intent on figuring me out. You want me to tell you what's changed, what makes me so different from the Asch you knew. But that's the thing- you never knew me. You never bothered! And to me, you're the one who's changed!
[A year ago he'd never be asking these questions. A year ago this conversation would have been over before it even began.
To Guy, he's always been a Fabre. So what is even the point of this?]
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[The patience in his voice is wearing thin, replaced by something strict and sharp and borderline parental.]
I didn't just do this for laughs, Asch. I'm asking you these things because I want to know. But you're just-- turning it around and saying you won't tell me what's on your mind because I never knew in the first place? That I'm the one who's different, like that makes it an excuse for something?
Funny thing, but life just does that - it changes you. Whether you want it to or not.
[The last sentence hangs heavy in the air, but he's quick to continue. That's a bag of problems for later.]
I'd like to have thought that whatever happened could change you, just like it might do for anyone else. One year, seven years, here or on Auldrant; it doesn't matter. Life just happens.
And I'm sorry but, really, I can't read your mind. I don't know what happened to you, but it sure as hell wasn't anything from back home.
[Because the Asch back at home never would do things like this. He would never say things like this. He would never bother, and they would keep things that way. Would he think like this? Feel things like this? Maybe. Guy definitely wouldn't put it past him. But to speak out wasn't a sign of the stagnant, unchanging God-General from his own immediate past.
At some point, the soldier finally started becoming a man of his own merit. But if he couldn't be bothered to see it for himself, then maybe it was just wishful thinking. Maybe the word he'd given to Natalia would be empty after all.]
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If you think there's this hidden reason behind my behaviour, some great singular event that changed my life, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
[And hey, maybe there was. Maybe befriending Guy, experiencing a relationship, finally getting laid or whatever is really such a transformative experience.
But Asch doesn't think so. Because he remembers it as being more than that, much more. It's the day Guy dragged him outside to fool around in the snow when he was new to this world and hating everything. It's Luke making a place for him in his home, despite knowing that he'd be faced with daily abuse because he is who he is. It's sitting with Tear on a riverbank, talking about growing up with Van. It's Xion laughing at his apparently transparent way of caring for the replicas he used to hate. It's Emil acting like he's terrifying sometimes but coming back time after time. It's Buffy's rambling way of carrying a mostly one-sided conversation as they tend the bar because she's not afraid to treat him like an actual human being. It's Ion patiently enduring his grating behaviour and still calling him a friend. It's Stella's memory, the dagger in his boot, the locket in his desk, the way her hand felt in his. It's Rapunzel, touching him and telling him that he's someone worthy of her love.
It's memories. So many memories.
It's being connected to someone else's mind at all times and realizing too late that you need that connection like air. It's becoming so used to being held at night, every night, that waking up alone is still the most terrifying moment of the day. It's remembering the daily routine of eating breakfast in his house with his loved one and watching his stupid, lazy, crucially important replica-brother-whatever stagger into the kitchen scrubbing at his eyes and asking for some form of caffeine, watching Guy smile and fuss over him and not feeling the old stab of jealous rage because he'd smiled at Asch like that, too, all affection and indulgence and exasperation and care.
It's everything. It's what he had and what he's lost, and it's the second time in his life that that's happened. It's too much to say. Even now, he can't say it.
It is, as Guy said, life. Life happens. And no, not to him- not until he came here.
That's what changed.]
Being here, being trapped in this place- it changes people. Ask anyone. What changed, who I was, what does it matter? Why is it so important to you? Why are you so focused on the past? This is who I am! Stop questioning that and just accept me!
[He hadn't meant to say that last part, but now that it's out, he's not sure whether or not to regret it. It's what he wants, sure. It's what he'd always wanted, ever since he was a child. Accept me. Acknowledge me. Love me for who I am and not who I could be. Let me dictate my own existence. The Score and my legacy and my title don't decide who I am.
Who I am isn't pretty, but I'm still me.]
UH..... hi have action brackets forever i guess (1/2)
[Congratulations, Asch, Guy is now at a loss for words.
It's a bit dramatic, the way Asch's assumptions spill out of his mouth only to end on such a surprising note. Was that really all this lead to? Asch's flip-flopping behavior, his actions when Guy had confronted him in the clinic, his statement that he didn't hate Guy, but it would be easier if that favor wasn't returned...
Really, was that all because this man just wanted to be acknowledged? Revenge, anger, bitterness, and even a murder aside, and he could still be standing here and spitting that out with as much fervor as he'd shouted every angry thought for Luke.
It's as if, for a second, that child forever berated by his father, hanging onto Guy like a lifesaver until the day he vanished, separated and toyed with and broken before finally returning to people who would never see him the same way again... that boy was speaking up. Separation from the goals of Auldrant, from things that he'd been tied down to since birth, from a life that didn't seem to matter... maybe that was all it took.
He could just be Asch here. Just a person.
There's a deep suspicion that there's far more to it. It can't be so simple. Asch himself didn't seem convinced of it, anyway, from the tone in his words. But Guy knows he's toeing a line that few could even come close to. Natalia. Van, in the past... and maybe even Luke.
And if Asch's frustration is simply with not being accepted... well, maybe their relationship hadn't changed that much at all. Stranger and with a lot less trust, sure. But the redhead grew enough of his own backbone to speak up for himself - the very thing that Guy had berated him for the last time they'd spoken face to face.
Heh. Despite what he told Natalia... he never thought he'd see the day where Asch might actually grow. Call it habitual pessimism. He was, after all, still a Fabre. But that didn't hold the sting it used to. Who'd have thought?
...]
2/2
You really are different.
[It's said with the glimpses of a smile, hesitant and not exactly reaching his eyes but.... wow, he wasn't sure if he was proud or slightly relieved or just... too confused to think straight. He's not the best with confronting emotions so deeply, so back down to the corners they are shoved while he gets his composure back together.]
Sorry. Pushing you like that wasn't what I was going for. [He gives the wisp of a shrug, and eye contact is a non-existent thing as he continues, but his voice is much gentler than it had sounded before.] Anyway...
I don't know why you're asking me about the past when I'm pretty sure you already know the answer. But that's exactly why it matters.
[Not for the same reasons either might have had in the past, but because moving on despite that past was the only way either could be accepted for anything of merit.
...
There's a long pause, his hand rubbing against the back of his neck as his lips press tight. With a huff, he plops himself to a seat on the ground - not breaking that personal bubble, not leaving, just... hopefully turning this into a conversation.]
...I can't make promises, Asch. I can't take back things I've said or done or thought. I can't pretend to understand what you've gone through. I can't say sorry and expect that to fix anything.
So I won't.
But know that I made up my mind not too long ago about you.
[And his tone should be enough to say that it's not what Asch may have wanted back at the clinic. Dislike, annoyance, an a million bad memories? Yes. But it wasn't hate. Or, at least, it was trying its best not to be.
Someday, maybe they could start over. Maybe not now, maybe not here, if Asch was already so touchy on the subject.
But someday, maybe they could just exist as people.]
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That really wasn't the response to his outburst that he'd expected.]
...Made up your mind... how?
[He doesn't need promises. Guy's made them before - not this Guy, but Guy nonetheless - and in the end they'd only hurt him. He doesn't want that again. But... maybe a clearer idea of what Guy wants, what his end goal is... even just a hint would be enough. A start.
A start of what?
God, he has no idea. He's too paranoid and sick of disappointment to theorize about it. But Guy's here now, seeking him out, when he'd wanted Asch as far away as possible, before. That has to mean something. For good or ill, he'll see this through for a while.]
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