dissonates | (no subject)

[Asch makes a mental note to make it again, even if it does make the kitchen smell like fish. At least Guy likes it, so Asch is going to watch in amusement and a bit of pride while he eats.]

[Mmmm...Guy finishes -not in record time, because eating too fast would make him throw up- and sets the bowl on the nightstand, satisfied.]

Thanks, Asch. I know you hate seafood, but I love it.

[Asch waits patiently while he eats, smiling faintly when he's done. It's good that it turned out well.]

I'm fine with making it, so it wasn't a problem. I'm just glad you're doing better.

[Guy kind of feels like a jerk for bringing this up after Asch went to the trouble of making him soup...but damn it it's for the boy's own good too. So he lifts his journal, opening it to Asch's entry and holds it out to him.]

I am. So maybe you shouldn't be so tense.

.....

[Asch only glances at the entry for a moment before averting his eyes with a scowl, fingers clenching in his pants. The fact that it gets a reaction out of him is proof enough that he knows better.]

I-it's not my fault people don't know when to leave me alone.

[Guy sighs and lowers the journal before setting it aside and shoving the covers away to sit at the edge of his bed.]

Asch...

[Asch resists the urge to snap; things like illnesses made him edgy, and it had been a long time since he'd had to really deal with it. With Guy on the mend it's starting to get easier, but the scare kind of persists.]

....I'm fine. Just focus on getting better.

That's what I'm talking about, that right there. [Guy reaches over to touch Asch's cheek.] Why can't you show other people the same care and consideration you show me?

[He blinks, lifting his head a little. Why...? He'd always been snippy, always on the brink of a fight with whoever decided to push the wrong buttons. With Guy, though...]

...I... don't like making you angry. I don't like it when you're upset. I lose a lot more when you...

[Dammit, why was everything so hard to say?]

[Don't worry Asch, the next part is hard for Guy to say, too.]

And what if I die? What if I get sent home, or if something happens to me and I don't come back? [Guy brushes his thumb over Asch's cheek.] I don't want to see you go back to being all alone.

[Asch's expression breaks a little at that before he manages to conceal it.]

You think I haven't thought about that!? You've already been taken from here twice, and both times you forgot everything! All this could be some stupid game to them, and they could just do it again while I--!

[He cuts himself off, pushing himself to his feet and moving to the window. Outside, it's snowing lightly, and he focuses on that instead of looking at Guy again. His chest hurts.]

...It scares me.

[Guy gets up, follows Asch to the window. Slips his arms over Asch's shoulders, clasps his hands over his chest, tucks his face against his neck.]

...Me too.

[Asch nearly protested, wanting Guy to go back to bed and keep resting, but the embrace was too tempting, and he couldn't help but close his eyes, resting his head against Guy's hair.]

It's why I've been on edge. It's... why I've gotten possessive of you. I keep waiting for the day when I won't find you... when you'll come back and you'll have forgotten all of this. When that happens you'll go back to the replica, just like before. So... I want to have you, while I can...

[Guy nuzzles the side of Asch's neck.]

You can have me, as long as we can manage it. But...I want you to at least try and be happy even if I'm not around. I want to know that even without me here to make you smile, that you'll still be able to do it.

[A tall order, considering how many of Asch's smiles Guy could take credit for, now. It's far less often that he smiles for his own sake, rather than a smirk at the expense of someone else.]

I've been trying. I don't like getting angry all the time, I just... I've been this way for a long time. I don't trust people... and I know I'm not good at talking to anyone, so I always react badly...

[Why couldn't it come more naturally to him? Why couldn't he have turned adversity into charm, like Guy? Maybe his smiles weren't always genuine, but they made people feel good.]

I know you're trying. I know. And I'm proud of you. [Guy's arms tighten around Asch a bit, and he doesn't lift his head.] I just...worry about you sometimes.

[Asch lifts his hands to grip Guy's arms, shaking a little in his embrace. He doesn't want to say it but his head's screaming to let it out before he breaks.]

I don't... want you to go back. I don't want you to hate me again.

[The shaking is Guy's cue to turn Asch around, straighten up and hug him close. He reaches up to stroke his hair, cheek against his temple.] It's okay.

It's okay.

[It's not okay. It's not, because it's a reality that Asch can't stand. Guy might get sent back, brought in from a different time. From a time when he looked at Asch differently, snapped at him, begrudged him for his father's crimes. When he didn't really care about understanding him.

When he chose the replica.

But Guy's trying to comfort him, and this is the Guy he loves. So Asch doesn't say any of that, arms shifting to hold him back.]

Don't forget this. Please, don't forget me.

[And Guy can't make any promises, can't say "I won't" with certainty that he actually wouldn't forget Asch. The shame of hating someone who's so starved for love and attention, someone who'd been so horribly mistreated, someone whose rough exterior is the result of the injustices forced upon him by other people only looking to advance their own agendas welled up, and he fought to push it back. This wasn't about him; he could deal with his guilt alone, Asch didn't want it and certainly didn't need it. What Asch needed was security...and it was the one thing that Guy couldn't give him.

All he could do was reassure him to the best of his ability.]

...no matter what time I'm from...I'll always be Guy. [Guy turned, brushed his lips against Asch's forehead.] And as long as you show me what I've seen of you so far...I'll never be able to hate you.

[Asch closes his eyes again, hands clenching in the fabric of Guy's shirt. He has no way of knowing what Guy's inner thoughts are, only his own; those being, how much he owed and loved the man he was holding. So much of the happiness he'd managed to find in Luceti was because of Guy, and the allies - friends, even - he'd made were all because of the patience Guy had shown him. Never in his life after the replication had he imagined he'd ever get to experience this.]

I don't know if I'd be able to try again. I don't even know how I'd handle it...

[Guy thought back to losing Luke to Eldrant. Asch had died there as well; his arms tighten, almost desperately.]

...day by day.

[And Asch can't do anything but nod, burying his face against Guy's shoulder.]

Day by day.

[They stay that way for a while, Guy stroking Asch's hair before reluctantly pulling apart. Guy lifts a hand to his mouth to mask a few coughs before swallowing.] I should get back in bed.

...Idiot, you shouldn't have gotten up anyway. [The words are obviously spoken without venom, and Asch hastily moves to help Guy back to bed, brushing his bangs back to check his forehead.] Stop indulging me so much.

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